Inspired/Expired

That early morning of December 16, I spotted you while you were glued to the piano and playing. I thought, “he’s cute” from this angle. You were the accompanist for the Choir in that first daybreak mass at Santo Domingo. Though the songs chosen by the choir were not the familiar, I can notice how great you were at interpreting the song arrangement. In those quick glances at you, you exuded great passion while playing that it made a mark on me. Bang! It was a crush.
It was not an irregular thing to happen. I’m 28. I’ve had crushes since I was 12 and quite knew that it would wane in time. No big deal. The second morning was also my birthday, but you were not the accompanist. I kind of saw the pattern. You play every other day and that I won’t see you that day. I was my birthday. Nothing special. I spent the day, lying in bed and watching out for greets in facebook.
Then on Sunday morning, I went to church again and saw you. I got excited for no reason at all. Just the sight of you made my heart leap. This time you were laughing at the priest’s sermon/jokes. It was refreshing to see the careless open mouthed laugh from an artist, somebody who plays the sophisticated piano. Again, this made an impression on me and I admitted to myself that this was indeed a crush. That kicked off my day really good. The rest of the day was a blast. That day, I also started stalking you. I had my sister take a video if you while playing. I had it on my phone and would look at it at my convenience. It was still as OA as it is now.
I kind of got addicted to the feeling I guess. I always wanted to look at you while playing. It was a pleasure. A guilty pleasure. I can’t keep myself from smiling while looking at you play and appreciate my being able to hear the sound your great hands are producing. It has now become a full blown crush. I became confused of what was I going to church for. Do I really want to complete the novena using my pure effort in gratitude to God for all the blessings I received? Or was I waking up at 3:30AM in the morning because I wanted to see you. There were mornings that I can’t really relate to the priest’s preaching, but you helped me stay awake at the mass. I just feel bad that I was not completely into the mass. I was able to complete the novena, but I was not very happy that you got most of my attention.
Even in the office, I thought about you. About how I wish the day would end and restart again so that I can see you. I tried googling you, without even any clue on your name. It was not until the 7th mass, before I was able to find your name and lot about you. I did have some leads. It was easy to find out the group you are with. And thanks to facebook’s picture tagging feature, I found out who you are. It was a wonderful surprise. I spent Christmas eve, just reading about you. I felt Google was the greatest invention on cyber world when it gave numerous hits on your name. I was even able to search videos of you. And that made me realize you were far greater that what I had imagined. As a musician, as a man and as a person. You are just got elevated to one of the most awesome person I know. That’s the time I realized, it NOT a normal crush. This is not similar to the crush I’ve had with celebrities. Crush that I have managed to take advantage of just to experience the “feeling”. For the first time in years, I had a crush that I hope would develop into something real.
On Christmas day, I had the courage to sit in the mass’s front row so I can have a better view of you and in case, you to be able to spot me. My mom and my sister know about you and would like to help. My sister instructed herself to invite you as a friend in facebook without me knowing. Gladly you accepted and I had more access to your personal pictures and information. And my moms, being the curios Leo as you are wanted to take a closer look. Yes, I knew you were a Leo (*embarrassed*). The mass was not any better than any other masses. I did not approach, you were not aware of me.
Then, that night before I went to sleep. I had this feeling that I need to make things happen. Or else I’ll regret it for the rest of my life. I messaged you, saying my intent to make friends with you and if you are interested may move on to something greater. I was so proud of myself. I needed to do that so that I won’t feel like I did not do anything. The week, I was so disturbed that I cannot focus on work.
I felt in love. I was telling all my friends about you. And I like it when they teased me. I was anxiously waiting for you to respond. Then, it turns out you never read my mail because you were out for a week. When you finally posted something, I went nuts and thought you might be reading my message as I was online and quickly went offline.
I eagerly awaited for your response. I always looked at your facebook account. And everytime I would read something about you, you just became more awesome in my eyes. After reading that you also sing, also make appearances on shows and compose your own song, I lost hope. I would never be able to level up to your greatness. I would never be on the same ground as you. You are a “celebrity”. In my vocabulary, it is the status of a person that you can admire, fantasize about but never be able to reach. From an admirer, I have downgraded to a fan. A fan that can only join its fellow fans in giving unsolicited and unappreciated admiration of you.
I planned to follow up on my message. To check if you have an answer. But now, I can only send you an message to let you know that I won’t be waiting on your answer. I will put back myself in place. It’s nowhere near you. I have to let you know that I will just stay as your fan. I am not the person who is the one for you. It was a heartbreaking realization, but I have to go through it. I have to end my blind admiration and move on to do the things I need to do.
I can just thank God for letting me meet you. For making me witness that people can be good in even the simplest things. You have been a blessing to me from God this Christmas. Even for just a short time. I felt happy. You inspired me to be a better person at what I am doing. To put in all my passion. Wanting to see you every morning adjusted my body clock. Now I can go to the office without feeling bad that I am late. I also realized that somebody who has good looks, nice car is not a necessity for me to be happy. I just need somebody who is great at what he does and me being appreciative of it. I also went back to the habit of going to church to speak to God once in a while. I kind of lost my faith 2 years ago, when my family got broken because of my father’s cheating. I have to thank you for all of that.
I will still go to masses where you accompany the choir. I will still look at you with longing. But that’s only in the mass. As soon as the mass ends. I’ll make sure I will not have to think of you or imagine about you or wish for you. You deserve a shining star and I am nowhere near a meteorite. I am a bad person and I won’t be the person for you.

Jujut - Kung nabasa mo to. Salamat. -Aileen