Bitter Ocampo

I started Accenture 2005 and I got promoted to Team Lead in March 2010.  My timeline for promotion to AM was Sept 2011 and for manager 2014. That was a year ago. Obviously, it did not happen. The worst part is that people who came in later than me are now ahead of me.  People who started with me were now almost Managers.  Not sure how I became a loser.  But I am, currently.

Now, it September again and I don’t really feel like… I dread going through the same September hullabaloo again. First, trying to guess if I got promoted or not, then preparing/proofing myself for the worst, only to breakdown after the bad news has sunk in. I cried so much I thought I would have a heart failure because of a broken heart and wounded, no, blasted to bits pride.

My boss Miguel was not very clear why I was not promoted and even told me he is giving me a year to work it. 1 more year?!!! I thought I worked hard the last year. From what I can remember, the client has been praising me and thanking me and hugging me for all the great job I have been doing and that was not enough? I was not sleeping normally for the past year just to make sure the application stays afloat and it was not enough? Where did that all go? Cindy said I needed to work on extra-curricular activities to prove my differentiators. Now that I think of it, there were people who got promoted before me, but I did not see them visible on extra-curricular activities. It was pure B.S. 

My other manager, Richie said I was the best value creator, but another person has ‘it’, the business operator acumen which is required for the position. He said he was even surprised that I got promoted to Team Lead despite not having that in my system. I cried like crazy hearing this. I was killing myself of work that will not lead me to the next level? The client value I created was of no value for myself?! It did not matter?!  Then why has not a single mentor told me about it?!!!  I realized, that is when I became a loser.

My most respectable managers could not promote because they don’t trust me. They do not trust me enough to represent Accenture to clients. They probably did not see me in their vision as a leader, so they did not care to let me know what I was doing wrong or they have given up on all hopes that they can train me to be their flavor of a manager. 

So why do they not trust me? Cause I am not like them. They don’t see themselves in me. I don’t think like them, and they think I am too immature for the position. Just because I am always honest about my feelings, with my opinions flying in several directions, doesn’t mean I cannot achieve what they have achieve or much more. Apparently, people do not trust what has not worked according to their experience. And I don’t take it against them.  

I am quite resolved to the fact that. That as long as I do not think like them, do not see the things the way they do, do not act the way they would, I won’t get promoted. I can accept that. But, none of the leadership trainings I participated in taught me that there is a single thought process to leading or managing a team to optimal performance and best results. So, I am not changing my style. I realized there is no need to copy the way my bosses think. If it was so good, why do people resign under their watch?  

  

I do not question their requirements. I will not threaten them with resignation. I love working with great people. But I will ask them if there is a place in Accenture where my nature can blossom. Please put me there. What is my nature? I am very honest. I also appreciate honesty towards me as well. I always try to understand clients for whatever they need and try my best to help them, whether the effort is listed or not listed in my job description. I hate people who demand yet do not contribute as much as those that worked hard and contributed. I reward hard work that produced results, and I show honesty and respect to those who make the hard effort, but did not quite make it. I help people as long as they are willing to help themselves. I am rude sometimes, but I make sure it was because someone showed rudeness first. They believe nothing is fair in the world, I think if there is a way you can make it as fair as possible, then do it. 

So if there is anywhere a childish person like me can fit, please put me there. I do not even know how being childish is negative. Being childish means resembling how a child acts. Children at least know how to be honest. They cry if they are hurt and hug and kiss people if they are happy. Children know what they want and will do anything to get it. They are Yes/No creatures. There is no complicated. They have no pride. As long as everyone becomes happy in the end, they do not care who made the first move or who said sorry first. They say sorry if they hurt people, they do not make excuses of the way they behave. They are not discriminating; they would play with a beggar child and a rich kid as long as they have fun. Children have open minds, they do not block their minds to new things. Sometimes, kids are more mature than adults. The see things simply and not get bothered by unnecessary distractions.

  

So how will I react after that discussion and not getting a promotion. First, ask what I was not able to do to get a promotion. Then confirm that the reasons or requirements are not something I can adjust to. Then ask them, is there a way I can get promoted without doing that? Then be honest that it is not in my nature. That I cannot force myself to do something I do not believe is necessary. So given that, I do not wish to go another year of trying to do things I am not comfortable doing. I will just waste my time trying to achieve what they want me to achieve. This may be my limit. Managing is not my innate talent and it's a lot of work for me. Trying to be one opposes my very nature. I do not try to fix unbroken stuff. I do not envision changes that I don't feel necessary. I am too lazy for those things. I am a hero. I thrive on fixing broken things. I feel happy if I resolve an issue. I do not feel angry at why things are not perfect and get broken sometimes. I like trial and error. I accept the fact that not all things can be done perfectly the first time or even the second or third time. Mistakes are ways to learn and it should not always be attached with hurt feelings. I won't punish people if they messed up their jobs 2% of the time. I won't put in 40 hours of effort to correct a defect that will happen 10% of the time. I hate having to prove things using figures.

Sometimes, quitting is a good thing. I will not only free myself from something I cannot do, and I can also my mentors(?) the disappointment of me not meeting their expectations. I have tried 2 years to please them, it would be a great disservice to myself if I will enslave myself again for another 1, 2, 3 or 4 years.

I have my talents, its as brilliant as yours, but unfortunately its not the same talent, and not even in the same category as yours. I am also doing this for self respect. For a long time, I cannot look at myself as a respectable individual. I always see myself lacking because I cannot please you. But I will not do that anymore. I will go where I can gain respect for myself. 

I am still trying to find out what I would like to do. I am still interested in languages, but I know starting over will definitely hit my financial needs. So I will not resign my position. I want you to place me somewhere where I can be myself and be happier. I think 6 years in the position is enough of a service. It would not be too much to ask to go somewhere where I can be greater than I am today. I just hope you understand my plight. I want to do things for my self moving on. 

Inspired/Expired

That early morning of December 16, I spotted you while you were glued to the piano and playing. I thought, “he’s cute” from this angle. You were the accompanist for the Choir in that first daybreak mass at Santo Domingo. Though the songs chosen by the choir were not the familiar, I can notice how great you were at interpreting the song arrangement. In those quick glances at you, you exuded great passion while playing that it made a mark on me. Bang! It was a crush.
It was not an irregular thing to happen. I’m 28. I’ve had crushes since I was 12 and quite knew that it would wane in time. No big deal. The second morning was also my birthday, but you were not the accompanist. I kind of saw the pattern. You play every other day and that I won’t see you that day. I was my birthday. Nothing special. I spent the day, lying in bed and watching out for greets in facebook.
Then on Sunday morning, I went to church again and saw you. I got excited for no reason at all. Just the sight of you made my heart leap. This time you were laughing at the priest’s sermon/jokes. It was refreshing to see the careless open mouthed laugh from an artist, somebody who plays the sophisticated piano. Again, this made an impression on me and I admitted to myself that this was indeed a crush. That kicked off my day really good. The rest of the day was a blast. That day, I also started stalking you. I had my sister take a video if you while playing. I had it on my phone and would look at it at my convenience. It was still as OA as it is now.
I kind of got addicted to the feeling I guess. I always wanted to look at you while playing. It was a pleasure. A guilty pleasure. I can’t keep myself from smiling while looking at you play and appreciate my being able to hear the sound your great hands are producing. It has now become a full blown crush. I became confused of what was I going to church for. Do I really want to complete the novena using my pure effort in gratitude to God for all the blessings I received? Or was I waking up at 3:30AM in the morning because I wanted to see you. There were mornings that I can’t really relate to the priest’s preaching, but you helped me stay awake at the mass. I just feel bad that I was not completely into the mass. I was able to complete the novena, but I was not very happy that you got most of my attention.
Even in the office, I thought about you. About how I wish the day would end and restart again so that I can see you. I tried googling you, without even any clue on your name. It was not until the 7th mass, before I was able to find your name and lot about you. I did have some leads. It was easy to find out the group you are with. And thanks to facebook’s picture tagging feature, I found out who you are. It was a wonderful surprise. I spent Christmas eve, just reading about you. I felt Google was the greatest invention on cyber world when it gave numerous hits on your name. I was even able to search videos of you. And that made me realize you were far greater that what I had imagined. As a musician, as a man and as a person. You are just got elevated to one of the most awesome person I know. That’s the time I realized, it NOT a normal crush. This is not similar to the crush I’ve had with celebrities. Crush that I have managed to take advantage of just to experience the “feeling”. For the first time in years, I had a crush that I hope would develop into something real.
On Christmas day, I had the courage to sit in the mass’s front row so I can have a better view of you and in case, you to be able to spot me. My mom and my sister know about you and would like to help. My sister instructed herself to invite you as a friend in facebook without me knowing. Gladly you accepted and I had more access to your personal pictures and information. And my moms, being the curios Leo as you are wanted to take a closer look. Yes, I knew you were a Leo (*embarrassed*). The mass was not any better than any other masses. I did not approach, you were not aware of me.
Then, that night before I went to sleep. I had this feeling that I need to make things happen. Or else I’ll regret it for the rest of my life. I messaged you, saying my intent to make friends with you and if you are interested may move on to something greater. I was so proud of myself. I needed to do that so that I won’t feel like I did not do anything. The week, I was so disturbed that I cannot focus on work.
I felt in love. I was telling all my friends about you. And I like it when they teased me. I was anxiously waiting for you to respond. Then, it turns out you never read my mail because you were out for a week. When you finally posted something, I went nuts and thought you might be reading my message as I was online and quickly went offline.
I eagerly awaited for your response. I always looked at your facebook account. And everytime I would read something about you, you just became more awesome in my eyes. After reading that you also sing, also make appearances on shows and compose your own song, I lost hope. I would never be able to level up to your greatness. I would never be on the same ground as you. You are a “celebrity”. In my vocabulary, it is the status of a person that you can admire, fantasize about but never be able to reach. From an admirer, I have downgraded to a fan. A fan that can only join its fellow fans in giving unsolicited and unappreciated admiration of you.
I planned to follow up on my message. To check if you have an answer. But now, I can only send you an message to let you know that I won’t be waiting on your answer. I will put back myself in place. It’s nowhere near you. I have to let you know that I will just stay as your fan. I am not the person who is the one for you. It was a heartbreaking realization, but I have to go through it. I have to end my blind admiration and move on to do the things I need to do.
I can just thank God for letting me meet you. For making me witness that people can be good in even the simplest things. You have been a blessing to me from God this Christmas. Even for just a short time. I felt happy. You inspired me to be a better person at what I am doing. To put in all my passion. Wanting to see you every morning adjusted my body clock. Now I can go to the office without feeling bad that I am late. I also realized that somebody who has good looks, nice car is not a necessity for me to be happy. I just need somebody who is great at what he does and me being appreciative of it. I also went back to the habit of going to church to speak to God once in a while. I kind of lost my faith 2 years ago, when my family got broken because of my father’s cheating. I have to thank you for all of that.
I will still go to masses where you accompany the choir. I will still look at you with longing. But that’s only in the mass. As soon as the mass ends. I’ll make sure I will not have to think of you or imagine about you or wish for you. You deserve a shining star and I am nowhere near a meteorite. I am a bad person and I won’t be the person for you.

Jujut - Kung nabasa mo to. Salamat. -Aileen