RESIGNED

Nope! As my title suggest, nope. I have not. What I am signing off, is my work. Not my employment, but my job. I can truthfully say that now I am bored with my work. After 5 years of supporting the same module, and working with same client who now thinks I am a rockstar, yes, it does not please me anymore. It does not excite me anymore. I sometimes think, they say praises like that so i can do more work for them.

Please note that in 2005, i claimed IT as not my thing, and then I changed my mind and gave it a try. I was successful at it. Got promoted to Team Lead after 5 years. Now, I am not sure what's next. Do I advance to management, or find another application that i would stabilize for the next year. Not sure if I want to go through the same thing again. But despite these success, I still have not attained my dream if buying a house for my family. Dammit! Whoever, told you that being somewhat like manager would pay a lot?. Well, guess what? she's fucking with you or does not have any idea! It does not! I am a Team Lead and my pay has not even reached 50,000.00. Sobrang sad. I am almost not always at home to work, but after 5 years, wla parin. I actually had an offer for 80,000.00 for an SE job. I did not accept that because #1, it was a pioneer work which I was afraid of. Now that I think of it, that is the best challenge I could ever get in an IT work. I can definitely show off and show my management skill. They wanted me so bad, they were texting me everyday. I turned it down because management told me they'll send me to the US as Team Lead in 6 months.

Being sent onshore means you'll get to take home 3 times your pay. Good deal huh?! Well, it does not really compare to a local American programmer's pay. The company only give you the COLA and not the competent rates. There are million times, that I thought of just leaving the company and just working here for another company. Not very brave to do that, but it has certainly crossed my mind. Even it was not par, it was higher than I what i'll get while working in Manila. I was actually happy that i am away from my family. It felt so burdensome to be with them. I am sending 2 of my siblings to university and taking care of the rest of household expenses. Something my brothers can't do because i have greater earnings.

But another thing that does not make me regret not passing on this oppurtunity is, knowing myself and my capabilities. I was able to stretch myself. I was able to find out what I can do and what I can accomplish. I admit, I was dreading being the front man of the team. I will always felt i would mess up. bugt when I was actually there, I perform. I do not think of what will happen if I fail, because I can't fail. I worked my ass off, until it bled. Figuratively. But I was literally sacrificing my own health in order to support the system. My assitant was not assisting me at all. I even have apprehensions giving him taks, for the fear of him not doing it properly. This all helped. I was back to my high school self. Saving the world, doing the work all by myself. I wa happy when I reaped the fruit of my hard work. i became in demand. My director was my number 1 fan. I Although my supervisor did not favor me or does not think of me that much, but close. I won't kill myself trying to please her. She has different ways to attack problems of communicate issues to clients and she always wanted me to follow them. I appreciate the mentoring, but there are comments from her that do not really matter. If you've read my other blog posts, you'll have an idea. so I just take what I want to take and not obsess myself with how she thinks so I can impress her. For me, as long as the problem is solved, I wouldn't care who the fuck asks what happened, or do I need to report it to. Let the job speak for itself so to speak. I learned that about myslef too. Although I did cry when she noticed how harsh she was to me. i felt pity for myself and cried at how mistreated I became. That's another take-away, I don't cry when being judged, but I do cry if I saw how pathetic I looked like.

Now, I can say i am confident that i will do great in any job that I will get thrown at. And right now, this job is boring me. My blood thirsts for something new.

I have 2 more months to work on these things. When I am back, i will definitely tell my managers I need another different project to work on. I would picture myself not doing overtime work. Because of that i will have time to go to the gym, I will have time to take Japanese lessons or any other session. Probably, pursue a masteral degree. I can even ratake my board exams and re-review if i have more space. that actually sounds like a good idea. I might score a Saturday teaching spot at my university.

One thing I will definitely need to work on is house hunting. I have a lot of things I want to do. but my first stop is my dream house. Its not even a dream house, just a house that will be big enough for my family. I will not allow my family to spend any more time in that slum of a place. I am not buying an iphone, a mac book pro or a d90 or d7000 camera for this to materialize. Its not a huge sacrifice. If I get my dream house, I will probably cry. 6 six of hard work pays off. I am so looking forward to it.

At speaking of age, kailangan ko na naring magkaboyfriend. single since birth parin ang Lola mo. I have serious self-confidence issues. not sure what will i do. i need a support group. I always felt like the only thing that separates me from meeting Mr. Right is my big chan and my really big arms. In short my fat body. And I feel that I need to be a hundred pounds lighter before I meet him, so I don't really pay attention and if somebody is checking me out. I also expect a lot of things from him. Sorry na.. pero I need somebody that will be worth the effort of losing 100 pounds. He will definitely be special. So i'll try to target that much.

So that's 3 definite things: 1. Buy a house, 2. Loose weight (will not dabble in it since it is a long agonizing topic.) 3. Lovelife.

After buying a house, I will definitely try to work on my other worldly desires. Iphone, gadgets for the house. Ah! Learn Stock market investing. Mutual funds, and the like. I need to use those. I also need to rebuild my relationship with my family. They need to know that I am not only there as their financier, but as their daughter and their sister.

I still want to learn japanese, because i have hopes of going to Japan as a worker or tourist. I'll try to find that out. I am seeking myself if I really want to go there. But I will take lessons, so that my days won't count without me learning something.

This has become my personal to do list of what i want to do. Instead of a rant session, I have listed all what i want to do, which gives me hope. I just hope, I have the knack to start any of these. I am born tamad. As i said, I can always respond to critical things, but not the days not so critical. Should I start now. probably later. I need to nap.