ARN

We could have been together. After graduating college, i felt how much he missed me. I started work because I had to and he went to review school, so there was not so much facetime during that time. I went to his 22nd birthday party and I felt his joy when he saw me. His eyes sparkled at the sight of me. He was even serving me food, which is so not him. Clearly, he missed me. My buddies even commented, 'miss na miss ah'. I really do not know how to react to it. I felt kilig, I can picture myself blushing, I am controlling my emotions from further showing. Itried hard to not get more emotional so I can restore my skin in it original color. I've liked him the whole of my college years. Really, really liked him that I planned my whole life with him without him knowing. It was one of those one sided crushed. 5 year crush.

During that period of limited togetherness, I thought he realized the value of me in his life. Not seeing me, not talking to me for months. I was flattered that he really made sure he gets a job at the compaby I am working for. Though, he got accepted, we did not really have a chance to work together because we were assigned different projects. But I felt happy that we were in the same company and that he really wanted to work with me.

In those times, my college barkada tried to keep in toush by doing reunion lunches, group dinners. And in one reunion dinner, to my shock, he just grabbed my right hand and held it. It lasted for about an hour. I even commented, that his hand was perspiring and he retorted, he put on perfume so his sweat would smell nice. I felt kilig. This unexpected action would cause a major stir inside me. Does he like me too? I resisted from assuming. I resisted from overthinking. I resisted from feeling so happy. I tried to stop. But that simple gesture had me feeling like, it was a dream coming true. So I tried to respond by always talking to him and making sure we go home alone and share a taxi cab. So I finally gathered my courage and I tested his feelings. While in a cab, I so lovingly rested my head on his shoulders, expecting to him to grab me in embrace or just hold me hand again. I one swift unhesitating more, he pushed away my head and said, 'it was too hot!' It felt like ice-cold water got spilled over me. And all of my romantic feelings went down the drain with it. I was rejected. And from then on, I stopped dreaming.

I was accustomed to him not really taking care or concern of me during college. We were buddies, nothing more. He knows me as an important friend, ally in the very tough battle called engineering. And I resolved myself from being just like that. He was a looker and I did not really understand, why he'd not have a girlfriend. So I kept my hopes a little, I did plan our lives together in the earlier stages of my developing crush. What I liked about him was he always made me laught. He was the person that taught me how to have fun. How to loose all my care and just have fun. I was really happy when I am with him. I sometimes got jealous if he was having way more fun with other people. I felt that he should only be laughing with me. One time, we were asked to be godparents of my friend's kid, I was so unhappy with his socializing that I felt bad the whole ceremony. That's when I thought, this might be different. I was getting possesive of something I never had my hands on. And that's when I became miserable. I would contain my feelings from time to time, but I was dying of jealousy when he's having fun with someone else. He would at times, even tell me he's sick of hanging out with me. So I gave him space to not feel that, even if I so wanted to see him, make him laugh everyday. I would control myself from talking to him so that he does not get tired of me. I was content of that, I was happy with just that! So why would he make me feel like he missed me. Why would be make me feel like he wants me. Why the hell did he have to hold my hand?! Up to now, I never understood.

After that, i re-resolved myself for the nth time to be just his buddy. It was such a bad cycle. I will feel like I dont have feelings for him, and there were times I bad missed him. I had lingering feelings until now, but I did not try to lower myself to him again. I limited my talktime with him. I buried myself to work in hopes of making it big and finding happiness somewhere else. I talked to him when I have to. I made it feel obligatory until it actually felt obligatory. I started to see his bad side, which I already knew from before but did not take too much notice. I felt that I was maturing but he was still childish. I felt like I wanted to be always happy but I feel depressed when I talk to him. I gradually saw all of this, until he does not look like my old ARN anymore. The ARN that made me happy when i was accustomed to grief.

When I look at him now, I can't see that person anymore. I will always be in love with the younger version of him. Back when maturity was not a must for his age and when he was not the most depressing person I talk to. One thing I never forget is his birthday. I always make sure I get to greet him first. In honor of my great big love for him that was... I still feel I love him, but only when I remember him as college student.