ARN

We could have been together. After graduating college, i felt how much he missed me. I started work because I had to and he went to review school, so there was not so much facetime during that time. I went to his 22nd birthday party and I felt his joy when he saw me. His eyes sparkled at the sight of me. He was even serving me food, which is so not him. Clearly, he missed me. My buddies even commented, 'miss na miss ah'. I really do not know how to react to it. I felt kilig, I can picture myself blushing, I am controlling my emotions from further showing. Itried hard to not get more emotional so I can restore my skin in it original color. I've liked him the whole of my college years. Really, really liked him that I planned my whole life with him without him knowing. It was one of those one sided crushed. 5 year crush.

During that period of limited togetherness, I thought he realized the value of me in his life. Not seeing me, not talking to me for months. I was flattered that he really made sure he gets a job at the compaby I am working for. Though, he got accepted, we did not really have a chance to work together because we were assigned different projects. But I felt happy that we were in the same company and that he really wanted to work with me.

In those times, my college barkada tried to keep in toush by doing reunion lunches, group dinners. And in one reunion dinner, to my shock, he just grabbed my right hand and held it. It lasted for about an hour. I even commented, that his hand was perspiring and he retorted, he put on perfume so his sweat would smell nice. I felt kilig. This unexpected action would cause a major stir inside me. Does he like me too? I resisted from assuming. I resisted from overthinking. I resisted from feeling so happy. I tried to stop. But that simple gesture had me feeling like, it was a dream coming true. So I tried to respond by always talking to him and making sure we go home alone and share a taxi cab. So I finally gathered my courage and I tested his feelings. While in a cab, I so lovingly rested my head on his shoulders, expecting to him to grab me in embrace or just hold me hand again. I one swift unhesitating more, he pushed away my head and said, 'it was too hot!' It felt like ice-cold water got spilled over me. And all of my romantic feelings went down the drain with it. I was rejected. And from then on, I stopped dreaming.

I was accustomed to him not really taking care or concern of me during college. We were buddies, nothing more. He knows me as an important friend, ally in the very tough battle called engineering. And I resolved myself from being just like that. He was a looker and I did not really understand, why he'd not have a girlfriend. So I kept my hopes a little, I did plan our lives together in the earlier stages of my developing crush. What I liked about him was he always made me laught. He was the person that taught me how to have fun. How to loose all my care and just have fun. I was really happy when I am with him. I sometimes got jealous if he was having way more fun with other people. I felt that he should only be laughing with me. One time, we were asked to be godparents of my friend's kid, I was so unhappy with his socializing that I felt bad the whole ceremony. That's when I thought, this might be different. I was getting possesive of something I never had my hands on. And that's when I became miserable. I would contain my feelings from time to time, but I was dying of jealousy when he's having fun with someone else. He would at times, even tell me he's sick of hanging out with me. So I gave him space to not feel that, even if I so wanted to see him, make him laugh everyday. I would control myself from talking to him so that he does not get tired of me. I was content of that, I was happy with just that! So why would he make me feel like he missed me. Why would be make me feel like he wants me. Why the hell did he have to hold my hand?! Up to now, I never understood.

After that, i re-resolved myself for the nth time to be just his buddy. It was such a bad cycle. I will feel like I dont have feelings for him, and there were times I bad missed him. I had lingering feelings until now, but I did not try to lower myself to him again. I limited my talktime with him. I buried myself to work in hopes of making it big and finding happiness somewhere else. I talked to him when I have to. I made it feel obligatory until it actually felt obligatory. I started to see his bad side, which I already knew from before but did not take too much notice. I felt that I was maturing but he was still childish. I felt like I wanted to be always happy but I feel depressed when I talk to him. I gradually saw all of this, until he does not look like my old ARN anymore. The ARN that made me happy when i was accustomed to grief.

When I look at him now, I can't see that person anymore. I will always be in love with the younger version of him. Back when maturity was not a must for his age and when he was not the most depressing person I talk to. One thing I never forget is his birthday. I always make sure I get to greet him first. In honor of my great big love for him that was... I still feel I love him, but only when I remember him as college student.

RESIGNED

Nope! As my title suggest, nope. I have not. What I am signing off, is my work. Not my employment, but my job. I can truthfully say that now I am bored with my work. After 5 years of supporting the same module, and working with same client who now thinks I am a rockstar, yes, it does not please me anymore. It does not excite me anymore. I sometimes think, they say praises like that so i can do more work for them.

Please note that in 2005, i claimed IT as not my thing, and then I changed my mind and gave it a try. I was successful at it. Got promoted to Team Lead after 5 years. Now, I am not sure what's next. Do I advance to management, or find another application that i would stabilize for the next year. Not sure if I want to go through the same thing again. But despite these success, I still have not attained my dream if buying a house for my family. Dammit! Whoever, told you that being somewhat like manager would pay a lot?. Well, guess what? she's fucking with you or does not have any idea! It does not! I am a Team Lead and my pay has not even reached 50,000.00. Sobrang sad. I am almost not always at home to work, but after 5 years, wla parin. I actually had an offer for 80,000.00 for an SE job. I did not accept that because #1, it was a pioneer work which I was afraid of. Now that I think of it, that is the best challenge I could ever get in an IT work. I can definitely show off and show my management skill. They wanted me so bad, they were texting me everyday. I turned it down because management told me they'll send me to the US as Team Lead in 6 months.

Being sent onshore means you'll get to take home 3 times your pay. Good deal huh?! Well, it does not really compare to a local American programmer's pay. The company only give you the COLA and not the competent rates. There are million times, that I thought of just leaving the company and just working here for another company. Not very brave to do that, but it has certainly crossed my mind. Even it was not par, it was higher than I what i'll get while working in Manila. I was actually happy that i am away from my family. It felt so burdensome to be with them. I am sending 2 of my siblings to university and taking care of the rest of household expenses. Something my brothers can't do because i have greater earnings.

But another thing that does not make me regret not passing on this oppurtunity is, knowing myself and my capabilities. I was able to stretch myself. I was able to find out what I can do and what I can accomplish. I admit, I was dreading being the front man of the team. I will always felt i would mess up. bugt when I was actually there, I perform. I do not think of what will happen if I fail, because I can't fail. I worked my ass off, until it bled. Figuratively. But I was literally sacrificing my own health in order to support the system. My assitant was not assisting me at all. I even have apprehensions giving him taks, for the fear of him not doing it properly. This all helped. I was back to my high school self. Saving the world, doing the work all by myself. I wa happy when I reaped the fruit of my hard work. i became in demand. My director was my number 1 fan. I Although my supervisor did not favor me or does not think of me that much, but close. I won't kill myself trying to please her. She has different ways to attack problems of communicate issues to clients and she always wanted me to follow them. I appreciate the mentoring, but there are comments from her that do not really matter. If you've read my other blog posts, you'll have an idea. so I just take what I want to take and not obsess myself with how she thinks so I can impress her. For me, as long as the problem is solved, I wouldn't care who the fuck asks what happened, or do I need to report it to. Let the job speak for itself so to speak. I learned that about myslef too. Although I did cry when she noticed how harsh she was to me. i felt pity for myself and cried at how mistreated I became. That's another take-away, I don't cry when being judged, but I do cry if I saw how pathetic I looked like.

Now, I can say i am confident that i will do great in any job that I will get thrown at. And right now, this job is boring me. My blood thirsts for something new.

I have 2 more months to work on these things. When I am back, i will definitely tell my managers I need another different project to work on. I would picture myself not doing overtime work. Because of that i will have time to go to the gym, I will have time to take Japanese lessons or any other session. Probably, pursue a masteral degree. I can even ratake my board exams and re-review if i have more space. that actually sounds like a good idea. I might score a Saturday teaching spot at my university.

One thing I will definitely need to work on is house hunting. I have a lot of things I want to do. but my first stop is my dream house. Its not even a dream house, just a house that will be big enough for my family. I will not allow my family to spend any more time in that slum of a place. I am not buying an iphone, a mac book pro or a d90 or d7000 camera for this to materialize. Its not a huge sacrifice. If I get my dream house, I will probably cry. 6 six of hard work pays off. I am so looking forward to it.

At speaking of age, kailangan ko na naring magkaboyfriend. single since birth parin ang Lola mo. I have serious self-confidence issues. not sure what will i do. i need a support group. I always felt like the only thing that separates me from meeting Mr. Right is my big chan and my really big arms. In short my fat body. And I feel that I need to be a hundred pounds lighter before I meet him, so I don't really pay attention and if somebody is checking me out. I also expect a lot of things from him. Sorry na.. pero I need somebody that will be worth the effort of losing 100 pounds. He will definitely be special. So i'll try to target that much.

So that's 3 definite things: 1. Buy a house, 2. Loose weight (will not dabble in it since it is a long agonizing topic.) 3. Lovelife.

After buying a house, I will definitely try to work on my other worldly desires. Iphone, gadgets for the house. Ah! Learn Stock market investing. Mutual funds, and the like. I need to use those. I also need to rebuild my relationship with my family. They need to know that I am not only there as their financier, but as their daughter and their sister.

I still want to learn japanese, because i have hopes of going to Japan as a worker or tourist. I'll try to find that out. I am seeking myself if I really want to go there. But I will take lessons, so that my days won't count without me learning something.

This has become my personal to do list of what i want to do. Instead of a rant session, I have listed all what i want to do, which gives me hope. I just hope, I have the knack to start any of these. I am born tamad. As i said, I can always respond to critical things, but not the days not so critical. Should I start now. probably later. I need to nap.

NEGATRONS GALORE

Alam ko at lahat ng tao sa paligid ko na mainitin ang ulo ko. Pero sound mind naman ako. As in kung pwedeng wag nang effortan ang mga issues, kung pwedeng wag i-over think, kung pwedeng wag nang mashadong damdamin, at pag-usapan, kalilimutan ko na at palalampasin ko na. Well, hinid kalilimutan, bago mauulit nididikdik ko na na baka maulit dun sa root cause at ipapaalala ko. (Isa lang ang galit na nihaharbor ko sa tanang buhay ko, ang minsang pagpapalayas samin ng dating kaibigan ko. Matagal na yun, pero hindi ko makalimutan).

Pero, ang isa talaga hindi ko matake e yung mga taong nega. Wala akong paki kung mag nega sila mag-isa nila. Pero kung mandadamay ng tao, at mangaapekto ng iba, pucha, lumayo-layo na sila.
Ayoko talagang nakikipagfriends sa mga nega. Kasi nisisipsip nila yung energy mo. Ayaw! parang laging nagkakaron ng dark cloud. Sa tanang buhay ko, me dalawa akong negang... not sure if kaibigan or katrabaho lang. Magaling sila! As in! Pero pag kinaibigan mo na, at nag expect na sya ng great concern things from you. Ay... lagot na. Dinadamdam na nila ng mga hindi magandang masabi mo. Pucha. Laitera ako by nature. Pati ako hate ko sarili ko. Pero lahat yun ilalabs ko at sa bandang huli ay tinatawanan ko na lang. kasi puro lait at reklamo lang naman ang mapapala ko. Kung narinig ako ng nilalait ko at nirereklamuhan ko, may kasamang away. Pero, kaya nga hindi ko pinaparinig sa kanila, para indi nila ako awayin, hindi dahil duwag ako, kungdi dahil ayaw ko magexert ng effort makipag away. Ayoko kaya ng away, nakakasira ng araw. Nakakasira ng ganda. So pag nailabas ko na ang init ng ulo ko sa pagmumura sa kanila ng patalikod, nakakalimutan ko na. Wala na akong paki-alam sa kanila. Gagawa na lang ako ng bagay na makabuluhan or kahit anu for my entertainment, para mawasiwas ang bad vibes.

May 2 akong friends na hindi ko talaga magets. Kahit magexplain sila, hindi ko maintindihan bat kailangan super nega sila. Mga psycho yata to. Mental disorder na nga yata sa mga to. Manic Depressive, Bipolar. Nakakbwiset sila. Oversensitive.

Si Jhaimer - indi totoong pangalan, ang pinakanegang taong nakilala ko. Masayahin sya as in patok yung jokes nya. At malufet pa sya magpicture. Mapagkatiwalaan sa trabaho. Just the Photography Director I needed nung nasa Campus Journal pa kami ng Faculty of Engineering ng isang matinding university. What I want, I get, with a lot of good inputs from him. As in, he's the most dedicated person I want in my team.

But with the good, comes with the bad. Once naging close kami ng Jhaimer, pucha, nagopen up na sya sakin. Shit like, his prelims was -50, (yes, negative), his fucking prof just tried to hit him with an eraser, his crush was seeing someone else. And the positron that I am, I always tried to get myself out of rut, by crying it out just once and then willing myself to move on. Ako ang taong laging nagsasabing Now what?! , or sa Tagalog, O tapos..?. Ganun, nangyari na eh, root cause alam mo na, edi resolve na. So ako, as a "friend", I'll offer my thoughts and why I think it should not affect him. Pero in the end, ayun, nega parin sya. Uh oh!, not the fun person I need. I would normally scoot out of the dark clound he's covered himself with, pero pucha, most of the times, I relally need to get something done in the journal office and he'd continue with the nega shit talk. My goodness, grow up man! Wala akong paki sa problema mo. Get over it, there a big world waiting out to be discovered. Tang ina, magpakabusy ka sa ibang gawain para mawala yung nega mo, ang then saka mo irationalize. It was like that for 4 years. yes! 4 years! During that time, I didnt realize he was such a "nega" he was because i haven't met anybody like him. It was either fate that gotten rid of them for me, or I had delveloped my own alarm when the likes of him got near. I finally graduated and have not communicated with him for 3 years. And then he found me on facebook, I accepted a friend invite, and we caught up and I tried to check if he was any maturer than before. And yes he was, actually his concerns became more mature, but not the way he handles it. He was posting a lot of things. I was giving him a devil's advocate and I was trying to have him look at his predicament in a different light, so I posted my comments. And the mothefucker, deleted what I just posted. Pucha, sa lahat naman ng ayaw ko, yung indi papansinin yung opinion mo. I thought hard for that, as in I delved the shit out of me, para marealize ko kung anu talaga ang stand ko sa isang bagay and pushed very inch of charity I have to share it with you, to help you with your insights. And you just deleted it, like that!? Then it hit me, I will not spend a speck of negative emotion on this freaking son of a bitch. So I just resigned and told him, Sorry for giving you unwanted advice, I should not have bothered. You were this negative in the past, and you would not really accept others opinion. It was presumptous of me, to even think that you would listen to me as a friend, not really share the same thoughts, but i would at least expect you NOT to trash what I just did, out of my last attempt to revive our friendship, and at being considerate of the 4 years we shared as buddies. It was immature talking about it in facebook in the first place.

That was the longest I talked to him in the last years. I was able to tell him, how miserable of a nega he is and how I hope he is not pulling him down anybody because of that. Because it was really imprisoning. He was like the Demetor of the real world, not a small time mood killer, but really sucks the hapiness out of your system.


Elsa is my co-worker. She is the best in the field. I have a really good first impression of her. Sabi nga ng manager ko, first impressions lasts for me. Pag nahighlight na ang rockstar potential mo, I'll carry it on for a really long time. And for Elsa, I carried it for a long time. Despite of being a rockstar that she is at work, she does not go out with ua some much, which is fine by me. I had a few more fun friends I could use when I want to hang out. I did not really need to get close or get to know her. Except for a fact that she is such a depressive person. There were small dozes, here and there, but we only had time to talk about it during trips home, in a cab.

It was good for the past 2 years, i even pushed hard for her to be rated at the top of her peer group. I really did. And I felt good about it. When management did not trust her, I did! She does not show as a leader material, I pushed her. I told management, she can manage people! She should be given all the oppurtunity she wants. And the she back stabs me, by resigning despite the oppurtunity I scored for her. Management somehow talked her out of it and stayed with the company. I was in the US during that time and I couldn't really talk to her. I would not be able to change her mind even if I had the chance. I am bad at convincing people. Point is, even if she back stabbed me one time, I did not take it to heart. She was just unhappy that management was not treating her not like a rockstar as I do.

The exchange for staying in the company is her assignment to US with me. I was ecstatic. Coming last year with a very lazy assistant when I was here, I was very sure that will not be the case and my life will be easier. Did i mention she is very good at was she does? Wait, scroll up... I did! First 3 months, was life-changing. From doing OT work, I was not even doing anything, during work hours. I was able to delegate all my work to her and I was having the time of my life. Did I mention, we were staying in the same apartment. It was very easy to tell her the things, we need for work, even at home. We were always together. Cooking, working, commuting to work. Go out of towns, it was easier to go out with people who lived with you. You can share expenses. Blissful.

And then as normal beings with different beliefs in life, we would clash. I am a person who does not like effort. tamad! yup. If there was a simpler means to do things, I would do it. Or I would not do it. I would not care, I don't overthink, pull efforts on trivial matters. Like re-cooking stuff from a canned products because of fear of salmonella. Or taking home a box of breadsticks, we will never have time to eat and may end up in trash, but weneed to bring home, just because we paid a good bucks for it. I don't do unnecessary effort. If I was, I would not bother others with it, or will be too ashamed to bother others. She was the exact opposite. Maarte is my term for that, when I mean, Ma-effort. Then, i accidentally blurted it. Maarte. Then, she took it seriously and up to this time, she has not talked to me. Sabi nya, nimean ko daw. Well, aminin ko, I meant it from the bottom of my heart. E sa tingin ko eh ganun eh. But hey, grow up. E anu kung maarte ka sa paningin ko, anung prob. dahil dun, hindi ka na kakain ng canned goods. dahil dun, di mo na ko papansinin. Ate, ako sabihan mo ko ng mataba, sabihin mo ko na sira ulo, K fine, tingin mo yun eh. pero, Diba magkasama tayo sa bahay. Yung nega mo wag mo paabautin sa sala at sa kwarto ko. Diba pang high school ang root cause. San ka nakakita ng 27 year old na ganun kasensitive. Tawagin pa kita ng ibang asar, edi maasar ka na. Pikon.

Si Elsa ng isang tao na gusto ko kawork, pero ayaw ko kasama sa bahay. Unang una, tamad mag-aral magluto pero mapride. Mapride at maarte. Ayaw. Pareho sila ni Jhaimer. Mga taong, markado. dahil dito gusto ko na umuwi ng Pilipinas, Para makahinga. 2 months pa!







Until now, di pa ko nakakakusap ni Elsa.