Signed Off

HR Department:

I’d like to submit my irrevocable resignation from the company after 2 years of being part of a fruitful partnership as employer/employee.

I’m taking this step to take advantage of bigger opportunities that are presented to me right now. I gained so much from my stay in this company and I’m grateful for all those things.

Thanks,
Aileen
Software Engineer

Right! I'm doing it.I’m leaving the company. You've probably heard a lot of my rantings in this blog, since I started writing it. Well, that's it. I'm finally bond-free. I can submit this piece of shit and not worry about not having clearance or paying a hundred thousand bucks. What's holding me back. Well, Im kinda scared now. After being able to finally adjust to the project, which has been fa very painful experience or me, I am giving up all of these. Everything. The friends, the building, the long hours.

I must admit, a big part of me is celebrating that all these are finally hitting an end. But there's also a teeny weeny part of me that says that 'Hey! Things are going smoother right now than before, (It has never been this smooth) so why change it?' That's it. I am scared of the change, the BIG CHANGE! I'm really super scared of what's gonna happen when i take that oh-so-big leap of building my career in Singapore. I'm just a bad case of having this fear of what the future brings. Really, at one point, it all seemed like this kind of life will be going on for a long time. I'm quite satisfied with it for a while. And another thing, I'm not really proud of having to take this step. I really don't want to show off that I'm resigning because I want to go to Singapore. I won't have the face to show my mentors. They taught me everything I know about this job.They trained me hoping that I'll be one of the future leaders of this project. And after all of the oppurtunities they've granted me, I'm resigning just like that. I don't want them to think that I've use them for my own gain. Which apparently is my initial feelings about staying in this company. But to be fair, I really think I gave it my best in my job. I'm not that much of a super-employee and but I believe I'm quite performing above consistent.

You see, I hate to be branded ungrateful and user. But I have to think of my long term goals. I have set them and I can't let these thoughts, my baby self and the comfort I'm experiencing right now hinder me from getting to that goal. To be very successful. It's been planned. I want to earn a lot but I don't really like money. Well, money. That's another story. I don't like money that much but my family loves it. My mom likes it when she receives money from me. I really hate it when she constantly talks about the expenses. I can't blame her, she came from a poor family herself and having her being able to buy the stuff she wants which for the longest time she can't afford is just something i wanna give her. I wanna spoil her now that she's old. That's the least I can do for her for having such a hard life raising us and putting up with my difficult father. But I'm not capable enough to give all her caprices. Gives me another reason why i should get a higher paying job. In Singapore.

Fat Forward>>>
1 week later...Just as I have decided to resign and have my resumes get emailed and distributed to all known PeopleS*** jobs in Singapore, my Team Lead suddenly asks me for a private talk and reveal an offer to go onshore. Well, my initial reaction is 'Uh-uh! too late! But of course I can't say that. I can't tell her that i have plans of resigning and my applications in SG are in the works! Well the political situation in my current project is not so friendly right now and plans of resigning should not be divulged to any member of leadership. They will suddenly have a reason to roll you off the project and make you appear you had a lame last few days at Acc******.
Well, we went on with the discussion. She discussed the roles that I will be doing if I ever get there. But I wasn't really listening. My thoughts lie between what the heck are you discussing that for? I haven't even said yes yet. And as if there is a fat chance that I'm still in this company by October.But it was really difficult to put on a facade that says yes, I get what you're saying and I'm very interested in it and I would want to think about it, big time. Hehe.

So when I left that room, I am still in my Huwaattt! state. Well, it did not change my mind. But somehow after talking to Joy, she adviced me to think about it carefully. She said something like "You may have everything planned, but life can throw you incidents/accidents that will totally be way out of plan. And you might not be ready to have a mitigation plan." Well, I understand her perfectly. Last year, she received a call from abroad and a big offer to work there. She thought about it and decided on cancelling her Singapore plans in the present. Her Dad died less than a year after. If she had taken it, she would have made the biggest regret in her life. Letting her Dad go without her near him.

I am suddenly thinking, what if something happens to my family and I'm not there for them. I'll get crazy over the thought of my family going through something without me by their side. But I have to do this for them. They are the ones who want me to go to Singapore and earn a lot of money. I really do want to make their dreams come true but I'm just so sad of being away from them. When I watch dramas and see some children happily leaving their homes, I can't help but think how could they do that to their families. Even if the greatest pain I suffered in my entire life is my family, I love them nonetheless and I'll be willing to forgive them, if they don't do it again.

But Honestly... my thoughts right now, Whatever happens happen. I can't stop it, even if a person tries to do it intentionally. If good or bad things are about to happen, they will. You just need to be ready for it and have a firm grip on your faith in God. We just have to go through it how ever happy or sad it may be. If I'm not there, I'll just rush back home. And I will just pray, everyday that nothing out of hand happens to my family.

Aside from that, Joy also said to think about it carefully, so that you'll discover what you really want in life. You see I love discovering and experiencing foreign culture. And Singapore will be a good dose for me. I love watching Asian series and I am fascinated by the richness of culture they present. And I want to experience that. Also, I am quite tired of the current situation in the Philippines. (I am sad Gringo and Trillanes made it to the Senate.) Heehee. And I also have this fantasy of meeting my boyband crushes there, if ever they visit SG. Come to think of it, what are the chances of them going to PH. Nothing compared to SG. And I'll also have a chance to live a really independent life. I've living been practicing for months now by living at Joy's house.

Side Story
Well, what do I really want to do in life. Now that I think of it, I think i really don't want a technical job. I may be meant for arts. Yeah, I know you're getting blown right now. But seriously, I'm into Pop dancing. You know, the stuff boybands do. I wanna dance. I have so much groove within my body that I'd burst if I don't move it. Well, it actually looks like I'm gonna burst literally because I'm too fat to do it. I'm 70kg. I wanna be in 50kg. I'll look better when I'm that thin. I'm not actuallya good sight when I'm dancing right now. Like a big ball.

Well, I plan to make that happen someday! I'm gonna be thinner and I'll dance.

Wu Chun, My New Love

I really hope to keep this private, but I just have to write about it. Right now, I am extremely enamoured by one super cute and too good to be true person. This must be loooove. :) Yes. and you can guess that he is someone that is totally out of reach. Just like my other unrequited loves (*sigh), he is another celebrity from some far-fetched country that just swept me off my feet after some performance. And you guessed right, he is another character that i would gradually get over with after some time. Well, can't help it. Pretty boys are my type after all. BUt i'm guessing i won't get over him as fast as my other crushes. Normally my crush would last until i watched the next most interesting character. Just like Ming Dao, Jerry Yan (ulk, its a pain to say that), Hyun Bin, Lee Dong Wook, and the likes, I lost my feelings right after geting over their hit dramas, after watching another drama. Maybe because I only liked the 'characters' they played. Not really the actors themselves. But this time, I like the actor and the character both. They are so much the alike. They are both so caring and cute. I don't even see him as eye candy. First time I saw him, I thought, ugh.. not another talentless pretty boy. He's with a boyband you know. AND I don't even think he sings well. I sing much better. heheh.. That's a secret.

Well, I'm not very superficial. I think he's got character. Mmm... He writes his personal blog and tells his fans to always watch after themselves. Yeah, I know you could say that he is not really the one who writes those entries. I suspected that too. BUt one thing freaked me out. There was this entry about the death of his mom and how he was affected by it. If he is doing the blog (or lets someone write the entries for him just) just to get popularity, then I guesss he need not to write such sensitive and difficult topic. If I were a celebrity I wouldn't let anyone write something like that about the person I love the most and post it in the internet and pretend that it was me who wrote it. And if it were really someone else, they could have chosen someone who is good in English, right! His English is not really poor but when I read it, I always feel like editing it. I guess some habits never die.

My point is I think its true that he is the one who truly writes this blog. It has to be something true and sincere since many people are made happy by these. I also get happy reading these. I tried to read his initial entries bearing in mind that it was not really him writing. But that entry about his mom made me rethink things. Now, I'm an avid reader. Hehe. I was a column writer when I was with my high school newspaper and college journal but his writings have been read by a thousand times more persons than how many persons read my column. He can't even clear his guestbook with so many people leaving comments/feedbacks. I'm envious. Every writer would want to achieve that. Well, I guess you need not become a good writer in order to inspire others.

I am truly inspired. You could guess, he's also one of the reasons why i went back to blogging. That's why I now do my writings in pure English. Well, at least not Taglish (Tagalog-English). Hoping it will be read not only by my friends and my Filipino audience (If there is such). I hope this gets read by a lot people. Just want to inspire much more.

Aside from this, I just find reading his blog truly motivating. I got so fueled up in achieving my weight loss goals. FYI, I'm a 160 lbs 4'11, 23 year girl who has a job in IT. If you'd calculate my BMI (Body Mass Index), I'd be considered OBESE. And my lifestyle includes more that 10 hours sitting (more like thinking... - this job is actually very mentally draining) in front of the computer and no time for excersice. Yep, you could say my case is very serious and I am aiming for 90 lbs, in at least a year. If I continue to have this motivation, I'd be able to reach my goals on time. His blog is actually very informative. Imagine including a chart that says the nutrition facts of every vegetable and fruit he gets to lay his hands on. Haha. He's just something. And he always reminds his fans to drink plenty of water, eat more healthy food and exercise! How caring could he get. Harhar. And he also have this fetish for food. He can take picture of the food he is served, especially those that has a cute presntation. If I were that, I'll attack the food as soon as the plate is laid in front of me. While he, he still finds time to enjoy the presentation, the smell and I bet he munches his food so well to savor the taste and flavor. He doesn't only gobble it down just to satisfy his manly appetite. Talk about respect for food. I can imagine him being every chef's favorite. Oh, I'm swooning right now. Anyone? Please someone slap me off this dreamy state. Slap myself.

Bottom line, my heart flutters right now with just thoughts of him. Yeah, he is so good looking but I can see beyond that. I have my problems, but I can really forget it when I think of him. Ugh, enough. I can't take anymore of this. Posting now....

Spring time!
(Rebirth of the Green Mind)

Hi everyone!
I'm back! Yep.. you read it right. I'm back!... with a vengeance. Hehe. I'm totally excited about blogging again. I've been busy with a lot of things. Problems actually, which some I cannot divulge in this medium. But some I can still share. It's been hard, you would not imagine. You know when people say, 'You can't have it all.' Guess what?! It hit home! More like a Homerun! Just when you think your life is just so good that you would think it is becoming boring, fate will just drop the problems one by one. Yes, while you are not all ready for it. And before you know it your life has become a complete mess. You would get tired tending to one problem and discovering another one. And another one. Haha! So much for my dramatic starter. It's just the start of my blog, and I can't promise I would not be a tearjerker later on. I'm warning you now, you can quit reading this if you want. If you dare... heheh. I'm guessing you missed me a lot to pass up on this one. Bear with me, please.

Well, that's what has been going on during the time that I was not blogging. After battling some battles (what do you do with battles anyway?!), I have come out ALIVE and kicking. I survived! Hello again world!!! It's actually very liberating to say that. I can't count how many battles I've fought and suffered for the past months. Yet, its so surprising to know to know that I've recovered fast enough. I'm still hurting but I believe I can make it... day by day. No rush. Just accepting every hurt that comes my way. Dealing with it one at a time. With the aid of the One who has the power above us all.

One of the challenges I've won has been the realization my great efforts on reshifting my paradigm for this career choice and flipping my thoughts on how it will bring me a very sad future because of my extreme disliking for this type of work. Now, I can proudly say that I gave IT A CHANCE. And I let myself be consumed by IT. Yeah! I've been very busy with WORK! But I'm telling you it was not an overnight process. Well, at first: I was really TRYING VERY HARD to enjoy work. Understanding my work's importance and my role in sustaining the society and humanity, savoring the fulfillement of every task done, reaping praises for my job well done and having people appreciate my importance as a contributor. Yes, I've gone through the whole process. And the results were quite favorable. I've come to realize this is the perfect job for me. The tasks are mentally stimulating and the challenges are varying enough for me not to get bored. The investigation is exciting enough especially if you are able to deliver the correct solution. Though I tend to get burned out especially when the problem has grown on me and I have become attached to the issues we are trying to resolve. Plus, I also like working with smart and capable persons. It's also financially rewarding(as long as you don't get consumed by the lifestyle - the lifestyle coul get expensive if you try to live it.) and I also get to watch my asian dramas/series online and do some blogging when the job is done. I also have chances to work abroad on a paycheck that could get 10 times as big as my current. WELL, you may think I've become a money-hungry person. But really, I never pay too much attention on that. As long as I can I still feed my vices which is about watching asian dramas and it costs me a thousand a month for broadband and I can still contribute to the house expenses. But right now, I could say, I would need the money, due to reasons I cannot share.

I still think about teaching... Well, teaching was quite an option for me back then, but thinking about it know, I realize I don't like the idea that much. Had I pursued teaching it would have become boring for me by this time. Imagine this, I would repeatedly teach what I already know. Oh I would hate that! And I really teach fast. I like discussing stuff one time and expect my students to learn at that. I know not all students learn fast enough. But with my temper, I'd just scare off my students. And I also liked taking challenging, rather difficult examinations when I was a student and I'm totally bound to adapt that style. And because of that, students will just hate me. Please... I'm too young to be tagged as 'terror', be called names, and be spoken of behind my back. I can only teach and show patience for some time, after that it would really get ugly. It would be a nightmare for both the students and me. Hehe. Yeah, I am singing a different tune now than what I had been in the past year. You can even read it in my previous blogs. Teaching to me now... is just a wonderful dream. Sigh. I wonder where did all those passion go. Well, right now, I have already come to terms with my current profession and have decided to stick to it until it makes my back ache. By that time, I could have mellowed down my temper and I would want a repetetive, lifestyle until I get old and die. Maybe I'd still end up a teacher.