SARI-SARING KASARIAN

Paru-parung bukid, na lilipad-lipad
Sa tabi ng dagat, papaga-pagaspas...

Bilang tribute sa mga babaeng nainalab sa mga paruparong bukid... narito at ipopost ko ang isang artikulo na ginawa ng isang taong ayaw magpakilala... nahihiya kasi sya na nainlab sya sa isang paru-parong lungsod...

Isang Istorya ng Pag-Ibig
Ni Mayana Nangis
Thomasian Engineer Journal
March 2003 issue

Saan mang anggulo tingnan, wala na talagang kapag-a-pag-asa ang sitwasyong ito. Mahulog ba naman ang loob mo para sa isang hindi siguradong nilalang, mawiwindang ka sa kaiisip kung paano. Ayan tuloy, parang gusto ko na ring mabakla. Kasi naman, isipin mo, nakikipag holding hands ka sa taong mas babae pa sa ’yo. Naka-backpack ka, samantalang siya, naka-shoulder bag. Kung hahagkan ka niya, baka amuyin niya pa ang buhok mo tapos… tanungin ba naman kung nagconditioner ka ba today! Isipin mo talaga. Ang hirap. Tapos, magseselos ka sa lalaki rin. Haay... ano nga ba ang kahihinatnan ng damdamin kong ito. Wala. Wala akong ibang matatamo kundi sakit ng loob. Sana puso lang ang pwede nitong kurutin pero pati utak mo. Ayan, kumikibot kibot sa kaiisip at kakahanap ng rason. Bakit kailangan ganoon ang kasarian niya nang iluwal siya sa mundo? Bakit kailangan mong hayaan ang sarili mo na mahulog sa isang bakla? Sana... sinaktan ka na lang niya gaya ng paano ka sasaktan ng isang tunay na lalaki. Pero hindi…

Iba talaga ang mundo kung iibig ka sa isang bakla. Lalo na yung mga regalong hindi pa nabubuksan, sa madaling baklang salita... paminta. Baka nga nandidiri pa sa iyo yun habang hinahawakan mo siya. Baka nga na-pe-pressure lang yun ng magulang na magka-girlfriend siya, kaya ka niligawan. We'll, maswerte ka pa nga kung liligawan ka niya. Pero para sa'yo alam mo na minahal mo siya dahil naniniwala kang maaari pa siyang magbago at maging tunay na lalaki. Minahal mo siya dahil tinrato ka niya na talagang parang babae. Well. Walang duda, ikaw ang babae ng kanyang mga panaginip. Kasi ikaw ang babaeng pinapangarap niyang maging sarili niya!

Sa totoo lang madali lang naman tanggapin nag katotohan. Kung ako lang, kaya kong tanggapin na siya ang kakargahin ko tuwing may lalabas na daga, kahit gusto ko ring matili sa takot. O maging sumbungan pag nabastos siya (sagwa no?) Okey lang, madali naman talagang pakisamahan ang mga bakla. Masaya pa nga pag may bakla e. Kaso hindi ganon ang ikot ng mundo. Mahirap makipag-kompetensiya sa tawag ng laman. Kung gagahasain mo siya baka kamuhian ka lang niya. Baka masuka pa siya. Kung tumitingin ka sa ibang lalaki, asahan mo tumitingin din siya sa ibang lalaki. Nakakainis talaga 'tong pakiramdam na 'to.

Kaya ako, galit ako sa bakla... Kasi unang-una inaagaw nila ang mga lalaki sa mga babae. Pangalawa, inaagawan at sinisira din nila ang mga pangarap ng mga babaeng sila naman ang pinapangarap.

Kaya kung ako sa inyong mga lalaki, kung bakla kayo... sabihin niyo na kaagad para naman hindi nahihirapan ang mga babae kung hahayaan ba nila ang mga sarili nila na mahulog sa inyo. Sa mga paminta, Please lang magpakatotoo na kayo. Umamin na kayo. Para magka-alaman na. Para hindi na kami mahirapang mga babae. Ayaw nyo? Square na lang o?

Ako at ang Backstreet Boys

(pasensya na kung walang congruence ang mga paragaraphs, it is written as how it runs in my thoughts... marami mali sa grammar...hay ang gulo gulo nya pero okay lang... bahala kayo magbasa) :)

12:04 a.m. Just came home.. fresh from guess what?! hehe... the Backstreet Boys Concert...
hehe.. yeah.. u read it ryt... haha.. i know.. i iknow.. i can hear your say
eeww... gross.. yuck...

o sige laitin nyo ko. wala akong paki. Sa aking uber lakas maglait self...
marami ang hindi magiisip na ako ay lagalag-panty fan ng BSB... na kung
paandarin ko ay ang aking pag-iisip ay isang uri ng kasulasulasok na obsesyon... lalo
na ng aking si Nick Carter... ang orihinal na obheto ng aking mga panaginip... Grabe kaya..
wala pa akong mens... gusto ko nang magpabuntis dito sa lalaking to... hahah!

Well, sorry tao lang... Ako ay tao lamang na may mga iniidolo... humahanga sa iang nilalang.. gaano man kababaw at kabasura ang tingin ng iba dito. All i can say that the Backstreet Boys has influenced me a lot.. big part of myself.. i owe it to them. sila ang foundation ng aking buong pagkatao.. revering them for the past 13 years. that's a lot! I'd be an entirely different person if i had not known them. If they did not existed. I won't be the way i am. Not as happy, not as positive, not as succesful, though i'm not very succesful right now, in other people's standards.
If i were, i would have flown to the states and made a home in Orlando, Florida.

Haay.... My Nick... after 2 serious relationships, Paris Hilton and Mandy Williford, at mga
flings.. like Kaya Jones, Bai Ling and sino pa ba... marami pa... hay naku i still find the man uber diserable.. kahit mataba na sya ngayon.. (grabe ang laki ng pwet nya habang sumasayaw sya ng everybody! so sexy!) i'm just too sad he fell for the likes. stupid, useless or friendly user women, selfish. Lalo na si Paris. I think she is the most useless animal God created. So filthy rich, yet uber useless. Anlaki ng potential na makatulong sa kapwa, pero hindi ginagamit. Haay, ano bang pagpapalaki ang ginawa jan sa babaeng iyan. hmmmf, tswe! Nick can do better than that. Hay, kelan ka ba matuto?! Mahilig ka talaga sa basura!

Back to my Nicky... mas una ko syang pinanatasya kaysa kay jerry yan ng F4 (ewww.. another yucky info) hehe... i missed fantizising about him.. i like him a lot... he's so makulit... kaninan kaya sobrang papansin... ang hilig magpa-harrass sa mga fans.. baba ng baba ng stage... nagpapapahipo sa mga rich na Pinays. Petchay talaga.. ang swerte ng mga nasa Patron section.. yan ang nagagawa ng ng tumataginting na 5 thousand pesoses...

haha.. i wasn't able to eat dinner and i'm starving ryt now. i forgot that i was supposed to, hehe.. mejo nagahol kasi ako eh, kasi uber last minute decision... i commuted all the way from makati.. from work actually... from legaspi, i rode an fx that took 20 minutes just papuntang landmark.. i
went to sm so i can buy tkets from ticketNet.. hayy... My God my temper was risin' so fast becoz the friggin pila was uber short but it still took me 1 hr to buy the damn ticket. (ayan nagaya na ko kay jazzie, anak ng puto) paksyet talaga. 20 minutes per customer.. letche... sabe nung nasa
likod ko... mas mabilis pa umandar pila sa immigration kaysa dito... she's friggin pissed too.. but i'm just proud that i was able to control my temper... then i went to buy my MRT tickets... good thing the fast lane lived up to its name, its fast.. pero fuck! the pilation to enter the train
premises was friggin nakakirita again.. some people even made singit to the pila but i was able to control it again .. all for the love of my backstreet boys. Good thhing again, the train was not uber siksik.. bcause my big boobies were able to breath. hehe. everything went fine when i got off the train. there were no upuans already but its okay.. we sat at the malamig na batong stairs. but as soon as the concert started, we hit the rails and screamed, sang,danced jumped,
partied like drug addicts. para kaming naka-E, E-modium. hehe. I super enjoyed it, all the 20 songs.. whew... they were great. so i forgot to eat. it was the first time that i partied like that eversince i graduated. felt lyk years! oops.. bamboo concert was exciting but nothing compares to the backstreeet. all in the name of keepin the backstreet pride alive.

haay... ansarap talagang mabuhay... sana araw araw na lang nandito backstreet
boys.. sana pwede ko silang iuwi. hehe. :))

i must be totally mad. epekto ng BSB. after the show, i actually used the longer route home just to spend the after-the-show highness to newly found friends. i actually watched it alone, but met a few BSB crazed gurlettes, like myself.. exchanged phone numbers and was promised to get pics and videos that they got... hehe. heaven. Hi to Nelly, Myca... it was nice having fun with you.. i wont forget the jumping and screaming on top of my lungs stuff that we did .. haven't did that with my close friends.. they actually see me as dirt whenever i chatter about the BSB... and they call themselves my friends.. haay naku talaga... i'm so glad i met you people.. .


here i am writing this blog. i'm afraid the feeling would subside, if i did not write it right now. owowow... it just happened.. deja vu.. i actually dreamt of doing this blog, at the same time, listening to a rare backstreet mp3. hehe, a rip from an american radio station. :) conclusion: it was written in the stars.. that i'm going to see them his night... hehe... it was meant to be... i thought i would not be able to watch the concert. just yesterday, i am uber discouraged because not a single person wants to come with me to the concert. even the people who i expected to come can't be there. I thought they were more backstreet crazed than i am. well, i can't blame them, its super last minute kinda invites.


well.. di ko naman sinadja, na mahirapana silang iturn down ang invite ko. we've been quite busy the past weeks, i actualy forgot the date was nearing... pero kahit wala sila... larga paren!
the burning to see them was too strong to ignore. its like hunger after a year's drought. i can't bear not to feed it. i had to light the fire. its now or never! i went there lonesome, alone, solo, in solace, nag-iisa.. but i had the time of my life.super sulit savers club. that's the first show i saw that i went all by myself. ano ngtulakj sakin: "if not now, when?" ang drama ko. what are the chances na they'd come here again. pag matanda na sila atb laos na... or what are the chances than i can go to the states and live there and support their recording career. oh! that's an ultimate dream.

i felt nostalgic.. i saw my old self again. i saw the basic dreams that i used to make "usal to my panginoon" every night, before my beauty rest. i refelt the sensation when i was still young, super baliw and innocent. With big hopes and dreams. I hoped to regain that drive. Many people/things have let me down, eversince. College has made me suffer. And i thought i couldn't go back to my old self. But tonight, i was 12 again, innocent,
and with big dreams, and most of all very happy that i have those dreams, even
if it were so impossible. its like going back to the basics. nung wla pang cellphone, lalake, computer at iba pang bagay na akala mo hindi ka mabubuhay kung wala, pero alam natin na pwedeng umandar ang mundo kahit wala yung mga yun. that for me was happiness. like the happiness BSB has caused me.

Song of the Moment

Ang lalim noh. So talagang hinahanap hanap ko ang tagos sa laman at balunbalunan na epekto sakin ng mga lalaking ito: Kaya song of the moment ko is "I still", straight from their new record "NEVER GONE"

Who are you now?
Are you still the same
Or did you change somehow?
What do you do
At this very moment when
I think of you?
And when I'm looking back
How we were young and stupid
Do you remember that?
Baby

No matter how I fight it
Can't deny it
Just can't let you go

I still need you
I still care about you
Though everything's been said and done
I still feel you
Like I'm right beside you
But still no word from you

Now look at me
Instead of moving on,
I refuse to see
That I keep coming back
And I'm stuck in a moment
That wasn't meant to last (to last)

I try to fight it
Can't deny it
You don't even know

That I still need you
I still care about you
Though everything's been said and done
I still feel you Like
I'm right beside you
But still no word from you

Ohhhh Wish I could find you
Just like you found me Ohhhhh
(and I could never let you go)

Though everything's been said and done (yeah)
I still feel you (I still feel you)
Like I'm right beside you (like I'm right beside you)
But still no (still no word) word from you

O ayan na! Nuff said. Signing out!

BORING MONDAY

(nung monday ko pa to sinulat... )

Sobrang antok na ko. Ayoko na. Suko na ko today. Nakakainis tong ginagawa ko, kahapon lang gumagana sya ng maayos, ngayon ayaw na naman. Peste. Investigate na naman. hmmp. Hay, Frustrations, frustrations.Kala ko pa naman magtutuloy tuloy na ang lahat ng magagandang ngyayari sa aking trabaho. Pero hindi. Nabalewala lang ang mga documentations ko last time. Grabe talaga.

Last week, nagmeet kami ng kamote kids for kenneth's birthday. Nakakagulat talaga, dahil nakumpleto na kami after how many months. I them missed so much talaga. Sobrang nag-enjoy ako sa night na yun. Hay, Ewan ko ba... parang may kulang... err baka sobra. Nakakainis kasi, Ken also invited his other friends sa gimmick. So, hindi sila makasali sa group. Kenneth had to attend to them. I don't think na-enjoy nya masyado yung day na yun... err.. assuming lang naman.

Ken, happy Birthday ulit. Sana matupad na yung dream mo na maging licensed ECE. Para makapagwork ka na and ma-pursue mo yug dream mo na maging Environmental Engineering Expert. Hehehe. All the best for you.

Sana isend nila Ronald yung pics. hmmp. Wala man lang kaming group pic.

HOLD HANDS

What should you do when a guy who is not your boyfriend/suitor or anbody who has not expressed romantic feelings for you suddenly grabs your hand and puts his fingers in between your fingers and clasps your palm in one tight grip. How should you react? What do you expect to feel? Surprise, i know. You can be totally calm on the outside but your heart will surely throb in the realization of the gesture. Your mind will surely rage with questions. You know the answer could be just out there, but you really dont wanna know. You won't want to look in his eyes because you cant simply bear to know, to see the truth. Either get hurt that his eyes might say its nothing, or get scared that his eyes may say let's end friendship and be more than that, and hurt each other. In this case, all you can do is bulge your eyes out in the complete unpreparedness of what he has to say. What if he suddenly blurts out, "Gotcha" and find out its just one hell of a practical joke.

Sometimes, you can just be happy and contented with the unanswered, with the unconfirmed. You wanna live in the moment. But still, your brain cells are ramaging up and down with those interrogatives. What does it mean? That simple gesture speaks a thousand words. What exactly runs in his mind at that very moment? You could try guessing. You can have your two selves arguing if it means he likes you or simply just want to hold you. It could be that he wants you by his side, so he holds you so that you can't let go. Or it could be just the hormones working overtime? Wanting a girl's scent to linger around. No meaning at all.

Really what does a man think of when he does that? Does it really say something, or it is just a plain gesture. I really don't know. If I don't like the guy, do I just stand there stiffly, not reacting and fight the urge to take your hands away and break from his hold and hurt his feelings? Or humiliate him the least? Or If I like the guy, do I just stand there stiffly and fight the urge to hold him back as tight as I want to so that he can't let go. What if its just a gesture? You could've made a fool of yourself if you did that, revealing to him of your true feelings, that you thought was mutual.

I don't know. Why do guys hold girls that they don't really want to keep? Do girls do it too? I've never done it. I hope everything can be expressed by words so that I don't have to deal with mind reading.