Bitter Ocampo

I started Accenture 2005 and I got promoted to Team Lead in March 2010.  My timeline for promotion to AM was Sept 2011 and for manager 2014. That was a year ago. Obviously, it did not happen. The worst part is that people who came in later than me are now ahead of me.  People who started with me were now almost Managers.  Not sure how I became a loser.  But I am, currently.

Now, it September again and I don’t really feel like… I dread going through the same September hullabaloo again. First, trying to guess if I got promoted or not, then preparing/proofing myself for the worst, only to breakdown after the bad news has sunk in. I cried so much I thought I would have a heart failure because of a broken heart and wounded, no, blasted to bits pride.

My boss Miguel was not very clear why I was not promoted and even told me he is giving me a year to work it. 1 more year?!!! I thought I worked hard the last year. From what I can remember, the client has been praising me and thanking me and hugging me for all the great job I have been doing and that was not enough? I was not sleeping normally for the past year just to make sure the application stays afloat and it was not enough? Where did that all go? Cindy said I needed to work on extra-curricular activities to prove my differentiators. Now that I think of it, there were people who got promoted before me, but I did not see them visible on extra-curricular activities. It was pure B.S. 

My other manager, Richie said I was the best value creator, but another person has ‘it’, the business operator acumen which is required for the position. He said he was even surprised that I got promoted to Team Lead despite not having that in my system. I cried like crazy hearing this. I was killing myself of work that will not lead me to the next level? The client value I created was of no value for myself?! It did not matter?!  Then why has not a single mentor told me about it?!!!  I realized, that is when I became a loser.

My most respectable managers could not promote because they don’t trust me. They do not trust me enough to represent Accenture to clients. They probably did not see me in their vision as a leader, so they did not care to let me know what I was doing wrong or they have given up on all hopes that they can train me to be their flavor of a manager. 

So why do they not trust me? Cause I am not like them. They don’t see themselves in me. I don’t think like them, and they think I am too immature for the position. Just because I am always honest about my feelings, with my opinions flying in several directions, doesn’t mean I cannot achieve what they have achieve or much more. Apparently, people do not trust what has not worked according to their experience. And I don’t take it against them.  

I am quite resolved to the fact that. That as long as I do not think like them, do not see the things the way they do, do not act the way they would, I won’t get promoted. I can accept that. But, none of the leadership trainings I participated in taught me that there is a single thought process to leading or managing a team to optimal performance and best results. So, I am not changing my style. I realized there is no need to copy the way my bosses think. If it was so good, why do people resign under their watch?  

  

I do not question their requirements. I will not threaten them with resignation. I love working with great people. But I will ask them if there is a place in Accenture where my nature can blossom. Please put me there. What is my nature? I am very honest. I also appreciate honesty towards me as well. I always try to understand clients for whatever they need and try my best to help them, whether the effort is listed or not listed in my job description. I hate people who demand yet do not contribute as much as those that worked hard and contributed. I reward hard work that produced results, and I show honesty and respect to those who make the hard effort, but did not quite make it. I help people as long as they are willing to help themselves. I am rude sometimes, but I make sure it was because someone showed rudeness first. They believe nothing is fair in the world, I think if there is a way you can make it as fair as possible, then do it. 

So if there is anywhere a childish person like me can fit, please put me there. I do not even know how being childish is negative. Being childish means resembling how a child acts. Children at least know how to be honest. They cry if they are hurt and hug and kiss people if they are happy. Children know what they want and will do anything to get it. They are Yes/No creatures. There is no complicated. They have no pride. As long as everyone becomes happy in the end, they do not care who made the first move or who said sorry first. They say sorry if they hurt people, they do not make excuses of the way they behave. They are not discriminating; they would play with a beggar child and a rich kid as long as they have fun. Children have open minds, they do not block their minds to new things. Sometimes, kids are more mature than adults. The see things simply and not get bothered by unnecessary distractions.

  

So how will I react after that discussion and not getting a promotion. First, ask what I was not able to do to get a promotion. Then confirm that the reasons or requirements are not something I can adjust to. Then ask them, is there a way I can get promoted without doing that? Then be honest that it is not in my nature. That I cannot force myself to do something I do not believe is necessary. So given that, I do not wish to go another year of trying to do things I am not comfortable doing. I will just waste my time trying to achieve what they want me to achieve. This may be my limit. Managing is not my innate talent and it's a lot of work for me. Trying to be one opposes my very nature. I do not try to fix unbroken stuff. I do not envision changes that I don't feel necessary. I am too lazy for those things. I am a hero. I thrive on fixing broken things. I feel happy if I resolve an issue. I do not feel angry at why things are not perfect and get broken sometimes. I like trial and error. I accept the fact that not all things can be done perfectly the first time or even the second or third time. Mistakes are ways to learn and it should not always be attached with hurt feelings. I won't punish people if they messed up their jobs 2% of the time. I won't put in 40 hours of effort to correct a defect that will happen 10% of the time. I hate having to prove things using figures.

Sometimes, quitting is a good thing. I will not only free myself from something I cannot do, and I can also my mentors(?) the disappointment of me not meeting their expectations. I have tried 2 years to please them, it would be a great disservice to myself if I will enslave myself again for another 1, 2, 3 or 4 years.

I have my talents, its as brilliant as yours, but unfortunately its not the same talent, and not even in the same category as yours. I am also doing this for self respect. For a long time, I cannot look at myself as a respectable individual. I always see myself lacking because I cannot please you. But I will not do that anymore. I will go where I can gain respect for myself. 

I am still trying to find out what I would like to do. I am still interested in languages, but I know starting over will definitely hit my financial needs. So I will not resign my position. I want you to place me somewhere where I can be myself and be happier. I think 6 years in the position is enough of a service. It would not be too much to ask to go somewhere where I can be greater than I am today. I just hope you understand my plight. I want to do things for my self moving on. 

Inspired/Expired

That early morning of December 16, I spotted you while you were glued to the piano and playing. I thought, “he’s cute” from this angle. You were the accompanist for the Choir in that first daybreak mass at Santo Domingo. Though the songs chosen by the choir were not the familiar, I can notice how great you were at interpreting the song arrangement. In those quick glances at you, you exuded great passion while playing that it made a mark on me. Bang! It was a crush.
It was not an irregular thing to happen. I’m 28. I’ve had crushes since I was 12 and quite knew that it would wane in time. No big deal. The second morning was also my birthday, but you were not the accompanist. I kind of saw the pattern. You play every other day and that I won’t see you that day. I was my birthday. Nothing special. I spent the day, lying in bed and watching out for greets in facebook.
Then on Sunday morning, I went to church again and saw you. I got excited for no reason at all. Just the sight of you made my heart leap. This time you were laughing at the priest’s sermon/jokes. It was refreshing to see the careless open mouthed laugh from an artist, somebody who plays the sophisticated piano. Again, this made an impression on me and I admitted to myself that this was indeed a crush. That kicked off my day really good. The rest of the day was a blast. That day, I also started stalking you. I had my sister take a video if you while playing. I had it on my phone and would look at it at my convenience. It was still as OA as it is now.
I kind of got addicted to the feeling I guess. I always wanted to look at you while playing. It was a pleasure. A guilty pleasure. I can’t keep myself from smiling while looking at you play and appreciate my being able to hear the sound your great hands are producing. It has now become a full blown crush. I became confused of what was I going to church for. Do I really want to complete the novena using my pure effort in gratitude to God for all the blessings I received? Or was I waking up at 3:30AM in the morning because I wanted to see you. There were mornings that I can’t really relate to the priest’s preaching, but you helped me stay awake at the mass. I just feel bad that I was not completely into the mass. I was able to complete the novena, but I was not very happy that you got most of my attention.
Even in the office, I thought about you. About how I wish the day would end and restart again so that I can see you. I tried googling you, without even any clue on your name. It was not until the 7th mass, before I was able to find your name and lot about you. I did have some leads. It was easy to find out the group you are with. And thanks to facebook’s picture tagging feature, I found out who you are. It was a wonderful surprise. I spent Christmas eve, just reading about you. I felt Google was the greatest invention on cyber world when it gave numerous hits on your name. I was even able to search videos of you. And that made me realize you were far greater that what I had imagined. As a musician, as a man and as a person. You are just got elevated to one of the most awesome person I know. That’s the time I realized, it NOT a normal crush. This is not similar to the crush I’ve had with celebrities. Crush that I have managed to take advantage of just to experience the “feeling”. For the first time in years, I had a crush that I hope would develop into something real.
On Christmas day, I had the courage to sit in the mass’s front row so I can have a better view of you and in case, you to be able to spot me. My mom and my sister know about you and would like to help. My sister instructed herself to invite you as a friend in facebook without me knowing. Gladly you accepted and I had more access to your personal pictures and information. And my moms, being the curios Leo as you are wanted to take a closer look. Yes, I knew you were a Leo (*embarrassed*). The mass was not any better than any other masses. I did not approach, you were not aware of me.
Then, that night before I went to sleep. I had this feeling that I need to make things happen. Or else I’ll regret it for the rest of my life. I messaged you, saying my intent to make friends with you and if you are interested may move on to something greater. I was so proud of myself. I needed to do that so that I won’t feel like I did not do anything. The week, I was so disturbed that I cannot focus on work.
I felt in love. I was telling all my friends about you. And I like it when they teased me. I was anxiously waiting for you to respond. Then, it turns out you never read my mail because you were out for a week. When you finally posted something, I went nuts and thought you might be reading my message as I was online and quickly went offline.
I eagerly awaited for your response. I always looked at your facebook account. And everytime I would read something about you, you just became more awesome in my eyes. After reading that you also sing, also make appearances on shows and compose your own song, I lost hope. I would never be able to level up to your greatness. I would never be on the same ground as you. You are a “celebrity”. In my vocabulary, it is the status of a person that you can admire, fantasize about but never be able to reach. From an admirer, I have downgraded to a fan. A fan that can only join its fellow fans in giving unsolicited and unappreciated admiration of you.
I planned to follow up on my message. To check if you have an answer. But now, I can only send you an message to let you know that I won’t be waiting on your answer. I will put back myself in place. It’s nowhere near you. I have to let you know that I will just stay as your fan. I am not the person who is the one for you. It was a heartbreaking realization, but I have to go through it. I have to end my blind admiration and move on to do the things I need to do.
I can just thank God for letting me meet you. For making me witness that people can be good in even the simplest things. You have been a blessing to me from God this Christmas. Even for just a short time. I felt happy. You inspired me to be a better person at what I am doing. To put in all my passion. Wanting to see you every morning adjusted my body clock. Now I can go to the office without feeling bad that I am late. I also realized that somebody who has good looks, nice car is not a necessity for me to be happy. I just need somebody who is great at what he does and me being appreciative of it. I also went back to the habit of going to church to speak to God once in a while. I kind of lost my faith 2 years ago, when my family got broken because of my father’s cheating. I have to thank you for all of that.
I will still go to masses where you accompany the choir. I will still look at you with longing. But that’s only in the mass. As soon as the mass ends. I’ll make sure I will not have to think of you or imagine about you or wish for you. You deserve a shining star and I am nowhere near a meteorite. I am a bad person and I won’t be the person for you.

Jujut - Kung nabasa mo to. Salamat. -Aileen

ARN

We could have been together. After graduating college, i felt how much he missed me. I started work because I had to and he went to review school, so there was not so much facetime during that time. I went to his 22nd birthday party and I felt his joy when he saw me. His eyes sparkled at the sight of me. He was even serving me food, which is so not him. Clearly, he missed me. My buddies even commented, 'miss na miss ah'. I really do not know how to react to it. I felt kilig, I can picture myself blushing, I am controlling my emotions from further showing. Itried hard to not get more emotional so I can restore my skin in it original color. I've liked him the whole of my college years. Really, really liked him that I planned my whole life with him without him knowing. It was one of those one sided crushed. 5 year crush.

During that period of limited togetherness, I thought he realized the value of me in his life. Not seeing me, not talking to me for months. I was flattered that he really made sure he gets a job at the compaby I am working for. Though, he got accepted, we did not really have a chance to work together because we were assigned different projects. But I felt happy that we were in the same company and that he really wanted to work with me.

In those times, my college barkada tried to keep in toush by doing reunion lunches, group dinners. And in one reunion dinner, to my shock, he just grabbed my right hand and held it. It lasted for about an hour. I even commented, that his hand was perspiring and he retorted, he put on perfume so his sweat would smell nice. I felt kilig. This unexpected action would cause a major stir inside me. Does he like me too? I resisted from assuming. I resisted from overthinking. I resisted from feeling so happy. I tried to stop. But that simple gesture had me feeling like, it was a dream coming true. So I tried to respond by always talking to him and making sure we go home alone and share a taxi cab. So I finally gathered my courage and I tested his feelings. While in a cab, I so lovingly rested my head on his shoulders, expecting to him to grab me in embrace or just hold me hand again. I one swift unhesitating more, he pushed away my head and said, 'it was too hot!' It felt like ice-cold water got spilled over me. And all of my romantic feelings went down the drain with it. I was rejected. And from then on, I stopped dreaming.

I was accustomed to him not really taking care or concern of me during college. We were buddies, nothing more. He knows me as an important friend, ally in the very tough battle called engineering. And I resolved myself from being just like that. He was a looker and I did not really understand, why he'd not have a girlfriend. So I kept my hopes a little, I did plan our lives together in the earlier stages of my developing crush. What I liked about him was he always made me laught. He was the person that taught me how to have fun. How to loose all my care and just have fun. I was really happy when I am with him. I sometimes got jealous if he was having way more fun with other people. I felt that he should only be laughing with me. One time, we were asked to be godparents of my friend's kid, I was so unhappy with his socializing that I felt bad the whole ceremony. That's when I thought, this might be different. I was getting possesive of something I never had my hands on. And that's when I became miserable. I would contain my feelings from time to time, but I was dying of jealousy when he's having fun with someone else. He would at times, even tell me he's sick of hanging out with me. So I gave him space to not feel that, even if I so wanted to see him, make him laugh everyday. I would control myself from talking to him so that he does not get tired of me. I was content of that, I was happy with just that! So why would he make me feel like he missed me. Why would be make me feel like he wants me. Why the hell did he have to hold my hand?! Up to now, I never understood.

After that, i re-resolved myself for the nth time to be just his buddy. It was such a bad cycle. I will feel like I dont have feelings for him, and there were times I bad missed him. I had lingering feelings until now, but I did not try to lower myself to him again. I limited my talktime with him. I buried myself to work in hopes of making it big and finding happiness somewhere else. I talked to him when I have to. I made it feel obligatory until it actually felt obligatory. I started to see his bad side, which I already knew from before but did not take too much notice. I felt that I was maturing but he was still childish. I felt like I wanted to be always happy but I feel depressed when I talk to him. I gradually saw all of this, until he does not look like my old ARN anymore. The ARN that made me happy when i was accustomed to grief.

When I look at him now, I can't see that person anymore. I will always be in love with the younger version of him. Back when maturity was not a must for his age and when he was not the most depressing person I talk to. One thing I never forget is his birthday. I always make sure I get to greet him first. In honor of my great big love for him that was... I still feel I love him, but only when I remember him as college student.

RESIGNED

Nope! As my title suggest, nope. I have not. What I am signing off, is my work. Not my employment, but my job. I can truthfully say that now I am bored with my work. After 5 years of supporting the same module, and working with same client who now thinks I am a rockstar, yes, it does not please me anymore. It does not excite me anymore. I sometimes think, they say praises like that so i can do more work for them.

Please note that in 2005, i claimed IT as not my thing, and then I changed my mind and gave it a try. I was successful at it. Got promoted to Team Lead after 5 years. Now, I am not sure what's next. Do I advance to management, or find another application that i would stabilize for the next year. Not sure if I want to go through the same thing again. But despite these success, I still have not attained my dream if buying a house for my family. Dammit! Whoever, told you that being somewhat like manager would pay a lot?. Well, guess what? she's fucking with you or does not have any idea! It does not! I am a Team Lead and my pay has not even reached 50,000.00. Sobrang sad. I am almost not always at home to work, but after 5 years, wla parin. I actually had an offer for 80,000.00 for an SE job. I did not accept that because #1, it was a pioneer work which I was afraid of. Now that I think of it, that is the best challenge I could ever get in an IT work. I can definitely show off and show my management skill. They wanted me so bad, they were texting me everyday. I turned it down because management told me they'll send me to the US as Team Lead in 6 months.

Being sent onshore means you'll get to take home 3 times your pay. Good deal huh?! Well, it does not really compare to a local American programmer's pay. The company only give you the COLA and not the competent rates. There are million times, that I thought of just leaving the company and just working here for another company. Not very brave to do that, but it has certainly crossed my mind. Even it was not par, it was higher than I what i'll get while working in Manila. I was actually happy that i am away from my family. It felt so burdensome to be with them. I am sending 2 of my siblings to university and taking care of the rest of household expenses. Something my brothers can't do because i have greater earnings.

But another thing that does not make me regret not passing on this oppurtunity is, knowing myself and my capabilities. I was able to stretch myself. I was able to find out what I can do and what I can accomplish. I admit, I was dreading being the front man of the team. I will always felt i would mess up. bugt when I was actually there, I perform. I do not think of what will happen if I fail, because I can't fail. I worked my ass off, until it bled. Figuratively. But I was literally sacrificing my own health in order to support the system. My assitant was not assisting me at all. I even have apprehensions giving him taks, for the fear of him not doing it properly. This all helped. I was back to my high school self. Saving the world, doing the work all by myself. I wa happy when I reaped the fruit of my hard work. i became in demand. My director was my number 1 fan. I Although my supervisor did not favor me or does not think of me that much, but close. I won't kill myself trying to please her. She has different ways to attack problems of communicate issues to clients and she always wanted me to follow them. I appreciate the mentoring, but there are comments from her that do not really matter. If you've read my other blog posts, you'll have an idea. so I just take what I want to take and not obsess myself with how she thinks so I can impress her. For me, as long as the problem is solved, I wouldn't care who the fuck asks what happened, or do I need to report it to. Let the job speak for itself so to speak. I learned that about myslef too. Although I did cry when she noticed how harsh she was to me. i felt pity for myself and cried at how mistreated I became. That's another take-away, I don't cry when being judged, but I do cry if I saw how pathetic I looked like.

Now, I can say i am confident that i will do great in any job that I will get thrown at. And right now, this job is boring me. My blood thirsts for something new.

I have 2 more months to work on these things. When I am back, i will definitely tell my managers I need another different project to work on. I would picture myself not doing overtime work. Because of that i will have time to go to the gym, I will have time to take Japanese lessons or any other session. Probably, pursue a masteral degree. I can even ratake my board exams and re-review if i have more space. that actually sounds like a good idea. I might score a Saturday teaching spot at my university.

One thing I will definitely need to work on is house hunting. I have a lot of things I want to do. but my first stop is my dream house. Its not even a dream house, just a house that will be big enough for my family. I will not allow my family to spend any more time in that slum of a place. I am not buying an iphone, a mac book pro or a d90 or d7000 camera for this to materialize. Its not a huge sacrifice. If I get my dream house, I will probably cry. 6 six of hard work pays off. I am so looking forward to it.

At speaking of age, kailangan ko na naring magkaboyfriend. single since birth parin ang Lola mo. I have serious self-confidence issues. not sure what will i do. i need a support group. I always felt like the only thing that separates me from meeting Mr. Right is my big chan and my really big arms. In short my fat body. And I feel that I need to be a hundred pounds lighter before I meet him, so I don't really pay attention and if somebody is checking me out. I also expect a lot of things from him. Sorry na.. pero I need somebody that will be worth the effort of losing 100 pounds. He will definitely be special. So i'll try to target that much.

So that's 3 definite things: 1. Buy a house, 2. Loose weight (will not dabble in it since it is a long agonizing topic.) 3. Lovelife.

After buying a house, I will definitely try to work on my other worldly desires. Iphone, gadgets for the house. Ah! Learn Stock market investing. Mutual funds, and the like. I need to use those. I also need to rebuild my relationship with my family. They need to know that I am not only there as their financier, but as their daughter and their sister.

I still want to learn japanese, because i have hopes of going to Japan as a worker or tourist. I'll try to find that out. I am seeking myself if I really want to go there. But I will take lessons, so that my days won't count without me learning something.

This has become my personal to do list of what i want to do. Instead of a rant session, I have listed all what i want to do, which gives me hope. I just hope, I have the knack to start any of these. I am born tamad. As i said, I can always respond to critical things, but not the days not so critical. Should I start now. probably later. I need to nap.

NEGATRONS GALORE

Alam ko at lahat ng tao sa paligid ko na mainitin ang ulo ko. Pero sound mind naman ako. As in kung pwedeng wag nang effortan ang mga issues, kung pwedeng wag i-over think, kung pwedeng wag nang mashadong damdamin, at pag-usapan, kalilimutan ko na at palalampasin ko na. Well, hinid kalilimutan, bago mauulit nididikdik ko na na baka maulit dun sa root cause at ipapaalala ko. (Isa lang ang galit na nihaharbor ko sa tanang buhay ko, ang minsang pagpapalayas samin ng dating kaibigan ko. Matagal na yun, pero hindi ko makalimutan).

Pero, ang isa talaga hindi ko matake e yung mga taong nega. Wala akong paki kung mag nega sila mag-isa nila. Pero kung mandadamay ng tao, at mangaapekto ng iba, pucha, lumayo-layo na sila.
Ayoko talagang nakikipagfriends sa mga nega. Kasi nisisipsip nila yung energy mo. Ayaw! parang laging nagkakaron ng dark cloud. Sa tanang buhay ko, me dalawa akong negang... not sure if kaibigan or katrabaho lang. Magaling sila! As in! Pero pag kinaibigan mo na, at nag expect na sya ng great concern things from you. Ay... lagot na. Dinadamdam na nila ng mga hindi magandang masabi mo. Pucha. Laitera ako by nature. Pati ako hate ko sarili ko. Pero lahat yun ilalabs ko at sa bandang huli ay tinatawanan ko na lang. kasi puro lait at reklamo lang naman ang mapapala ko. Kung narinig ako ng nilalait ko at nirereklamuhan ko, may kasamang away. Pero, kaya nga hindi ko pinaparinig sa kanila, para indi nila ako awayin, hindi dahil duwag ako, kungdi dahil ayaw ko magexert ng effort makipag away. Ayoko kaya ng away, nakakasira ng araw. Nakakasira ng ganda. So pag nailabas ko na ang init ng ulo ko sa pagmumura sa kanila ng patalikod, nakakalimutan ko na. Wala na akong paki-alam sa kanila. Gagawa na lang ako ng bagay na makabuluhan or kahit anu for my entertainment, para mawasiwas ang bad vibes.

May 2 akong friends na hindi ko talaga magets. Kahit magexplain sila, hindi ko maintindihan bat kailangan super nega sila. Mga psycho yata to. Mental disorder na nga yata sa mga to. Manic Depressive, Bipolar. Nakakbwiset sila. Oversensitive.

Si Jhaimer - indi totoong pangalan, ang pinakanegang taong nakilala ko. Masayahin sya as in patok yung jokes nya. At malufet pa sya magpicture. Mapagkatiwalaan sa trabaho. Just the Photography Director I needed nung nasa Campus Journal pa kami ng Faculty of Engineering ng isang matinding university. What I want, I get, with a lot of good inputs from him. As in, he's the most dedicated person I want in my team.

But with the good, comes with the bad. Once naging close kami ng Jhaimer, pucha, nagopen up na sya sakin. Shit like, his prelims was -50, (yes, negative), his fucking prof just tried to hit him with an eraser, his crush was seeing someone else. And the positron that I am, I always tried to get myself out of rut, by crying it out just once and then willing myself to move on. Ako ang taong laging nagsasabing Now what?! , or sa Tagalog, O tapos..?. Ganun, nangyari na eh, root cause alam mo na, edi resolve na. So ako, as a "friend", I'll offer my thoughts and why I think it should not affect him. Pero in the end, ayun, nega parin sya. Uh oh!, not the fun person I need. I would normally scoot out of the dark clound he's covered himself with, pero pucha, most of the times, I relally need to get something done in the journal office and he'd continue with the nega shit talk. My goodness, grow up man! Wala akong paki sa problema mo. Get over it, there a big world waiting out to be discovered. Tang ina, magpakabusy ka sa ibang gawain para mawala yung nega mo, ang then saka mo irationalize. It was like that for 4 years. yes! 4 years! During that time, I didnt realize he was such a "nega" he was because i haven't met anybody like him. It was either fate that gotten rid of them for me, or I had delveloped my own alarm when the likes of him got near. I finally graduated and have not communicated with him for 3 years. And then he found me on facebook, I accepted a friend invite, and we caught up and I tried to check if he was any maturer than before. And yes he was, actually his concerns became more mature, but not the way he handles it. He was posting a lot of things. I was giving him a devil's advocate and I was trying to have him look at his predicament in a different light, so I posted my comments. And the mothefucker, deleted what I just posted. Pucha, sa lahat naman ng ayaw ko, yung indi papansinin yung opinion mo. I thought hard for that, as in I delved the shit out of me, para marealize ko kung anu talaga ang stand ko sa isang bagay and pushed very inch of charity I have to share it with you, to help you with your insights. And you just deleted it, like that!? Then it hit me, I will not spend a speck of negative emotion on this freaking son of a bitch. So I just resigned and told him, Sorry for giving you unwanted advice, I should not have bothered. You were this negative in the past, and you would not really accept others opinion. It was presumptous of me, to even think that you would listen to me as a friend, not really share the same thoughts, but i would at least expect you NOT to trash what I just did, out of my last attempt to revive our friendship, and at being considerate of the 4 years we shared as buddies. It was immature talking about it in facebook in the first place.

That was the longest I talked to him in the last years. I was able to tell him, how miserable of a nega he is and how I hope he is not pulling him down anybody because of that. Because it was really imprisoning. He was like the Demetor of the real world, not a small time mood killer, but really sucks the hapiness out of your system.


Elsa is my co-worker. She is the best in the field. I have a really good first impression of her. Sabi nga ng manager ko, first impressions lasts for me. Pag nahighlight na ang rockstar potential mo, I'll carry it on for a really long time. And for Elsa, I carried it for a long time. Despite of being a rockstar that she is at work, she does not go out with ua some much, which is fine by me. I had a few more fun friends I could use when I want to hang out. I did not really need to get close or get to know her. Except for a fact that she is such a depressive person. There were small dozes, here and there, but we only had time to talk about it during trips home, in a cab.

It was good for the past 2 years, i even pushed hard for her to be rated at the top of her peer group. I really did. And I felt good about it. When management did not trust her, I did! She does not show as a leader material, I pushed her. I told management, she can manage people! She should be given all the oppurtunity she wants. And the she back stabs me, by resigning despite the oppurtunity I scored for her. Management somehow talked her out of it and stayed with the company. I was in the US during that time and I couldn't really talk to her. I would not be able to change her mind even if I had the chance. I am bad at convincing people. Point is, even if she back stabbed me one time, I did not take it to heart. She was just unhappy that management was not treating her not like a rockstar as I do.

The exchange for staying in the company is her assignment to US with me. I was ecstatic. Coming last year with a very lazy assistant when I was here, I was very sure that will not be the case and my life will be easier. Did i mention she is very good at was she does? Wait, scroll up... I did! First 3 months, was life-changing. From doing OT work, I was not even doing anything, during work hours. I was able to delegate all my work to her and I was having the time of my life. Did I mention, we were staying in the same apartment. It was very easy to tell her the things, we need for work, even at home. We were always together. Cooking, working, commuting to work. Go out of towns, it was easier to go out with people who lived with you. You can share expenses. Blissful.

And then as normal beings with different beliefs in life, we would clash. I am a person who does not like effort. tamad! yup. If there was a simpler means to do things, I would do it. Or I would not do it. I would not care, I don't overthink, pull efforts on trivial matters. Like re-cooking stuff from a canned products because of fear of salmonella. Or taking home a box of breadsticks, we will never have time to eat and may end up in trash, but weneed to bring home, just because we paid a good bucks for it. I don't do unnecessary effort. If I was, I would not bother others with it, or will be too ashamed to bother others. She was the exact opposite. Maarte is my term for that, when I mean, Ma-effort. Then, i accidentally blurted it. Maarte. Then, she took it seriously and up to this time, she has not talked to me. Sabi nya, nimean ko daw. Well, aminin ko, I meant it from the bottom of my heart. E sa tingin ko eh ganun eh. But hey, grow up. E anu kung maarte ka sa paningin ko, anung prob. dahil dun, hindi ka na kakain ng canned goods. dahil dun, di mo na ko papansinin. Ate, ako sabihan mo ko ng mataba, sabihin mo ko na sira ulo, K fine, tingin mo yun eh. pero, Diba magkasama tayo sa bahay. Yung nega mo wag mo paabautin sa sala at sa kwarto ko. Diba pang high school ang root cause. San ka nakakita ng 27 year old na ganun kasensitive. Tawagin pa kita ng ibang asar, edi maasar ka na. Pikon.

Si Elsa ng isang tao na gusto ko kawork, pero ayaw ko kasama sa bahay. Unang una, tamad mag-aral magluto pero mapride. Mapride at maarte. Ayaw. Pareho sila ni Jhaimer. Mga taong, markado. dahil dito gusto ko na umuwi ng Pilipinas, Para makahinga. 2 months pa!







Until now, di pa ko nakakakusap ni Elsa.

TINIMBANG KA NGUNIT KULANG

Eto na naman ang mga panahon na bwiset na naman ako sa work. Yung hindi ka naman naman nakapagstretegic thinking basta hindi mo lang naisip yung dapat gawin, kasi mas marami ka inasikaso. Ang dating sakin Puro sisi. Bat di mo ginawa to?! Bat di mo naisip yan?! Nakakasira lang ng morale. Para pinaparamdam sayu na ang bobo mo. Gusto ko na sumagot: Sige kayo na! Kayo na ang magaling! Kayo na may alam ng kumpletong process. Kayo na naka-isip bat di kayo ang gumawa?!

Nakakabanas lang, pag may indi ka nagawa at makabunton ng sisi. Di ba?! Mas naiinis ako kasi damay yung mga nagtrabaho naman ng matindi, nag-ghosting pa nga eh, OT without pay.
Tapos, makasabi ka jan ng kulang to, kulang yan, casual na casual na may pagkabossy lang. Sorry sa dami ng ginagawa, binubuwis na nila buhay nila dito, sorry di nila naisip yan.
Pano ka naman gaganahan magwork nyan.

Ang dami ko nang mali. Ayoko nang tanggapin lahat. Mashado na ako napupush around ha! Pano ba sumagot sa boss! Hindi rin nga big deal ang mga issue. Yung mga nisususmbat nila, HINDI BIG DEAL!!!! Walang nasirang application. Walang impact!

Gusto ko talaga maging open minded. Pero alam mo yung feeling na bingo na katangahan mo?! Napaka immature ko ba?! Sorry na tao lang po. Ibabad mo sa dalawang nega habang nagbubuwis buhay ka sa trabaho, indi positibo.

Well, gusto ko na tanggalin ang pagiging immaure sa sistema ko. Pero di naman, sumusobra naman yata. Naiinis lang ako, kasi kung ako nasa posisyon nila ang magiging reaksyon ko. Di ko rin nakita yan so pareho tayong namiss yan.

Saka ser naman, alam mo ba yung work ko dito. Fighting fires. Para indi lumobo yung work natin, pinupuksa ko na sya sa simula pa lang. Ngayong kung may gagawa na nun para sakin edi sana mas naiisip ko yung mga ganyan. Papadala ka naman kasi dito, tamad na nga. Wala pa magagawa, kasi tuturuan mo pa. Ayoko na. Pag tinuruan mo, ayaw pa gawin. Hayz, anu ba ggawin ko? JSE, SE, SSE and TL work ba nieexpect mo sakin?! Baka nga hindi kaya ng skills and knowledge ko yan. OA teh. Pakamatay na lang ako.

Suko na ko. Bahala ka na Lord. Nagttrabaho naman ako diba. Sabi mo kung magttrabaho lang ako ng matindi, di mo ko pababayaan. Ikaw na po bahala. Magttrabaho na lang ako ng maigi. Next time paringgan mo na lang ako pag may parang hindi ako nagagwa naiisip para hindi naman nakwekwestyon ako ng ganito!

Happy Friday

After a long time, I truly enjoyed a Friday. I was able to watch 2 movies. Watch Unstoppable at the cinema and re-watched Date Night at home via OnDemand. Sobrang mahilig talaga ako sa movies and I always enjoy it basta hindi boring. Para sa inyong kaalaman, 10 dolyares and movie dito...

zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.. Bored ka? Ako rin eh. Di ako naeexcite sa nipopost ko kahit alam kong maligaya naman ako. Antok na siguro ako. Ala una na ng madaling araw. Tuloy ko na lang bukas.

Sabon at Alak

Nagtweet ako ng bonggang: "kakasabon lang sakin ni boss! ay pakshet! init ulo"
Nagreact ang friend ko ng : "Banlawan mo ng Alak!"

Thus, the title. Howkey!

Hindi pa nangangalahati ang week ko, naka over over na ako sa qouta ko ng daily doese of kabwisetan na natamo at nacause ko sa Boss ko. Wahaha. Bland na tawa yan. Pero hindi rin bitter. Dahil matanda na ko, ay hindi ko na sya mashadong dinibdib at ineemote ang mga pangyayaring ito ngayon. Keri ko na sya, to the level na kaya ko sya ikwento kagad. Kung mga 2 years ago nangyari to, baka NGAWANGERS to the quadrillionth exponent na ang pinagggawa ko. So Congrats sakin sa maturity ko. hehe.

Hindi naman majorly masaya nor magulo ang working relationship namin in Atheng. Alam mo yun, parang wala lang talagang kaming ka rapport rapport. Nung unang magmeet kami, walang instant connection. Walang impact/excitement. Hindi ko nafeel na mabait at magiliw sya sakin. SYA PA BA! ang mageeffort manggigiliw sakin, e boss ko nga sya?! E Sorry! e sa 'di ako plastic e. Pag di ko feel bat ako magpapanggap na masayahing tao at magpplastic na excited ako mameet sya. Kaya naniniwala na ako na may mga taong di meant maging magkasama sa buhay, DNA's palang nila nagkokontrahan na, kahit tulog sila. Wah bat generalization na? wala pa nga yung kwento.

For reference sa buong post na to, tatawagin ko sya Atheng with an 'h' in between. So ayun, dahil natural na sa DNA's namin ang maimbey sa isa't isa.. KAHIT yung mga maliliit na bagay na asarrr... namamagnify ng todo pag napagtuunan ng pansin. Sa totoo lang, di NYA AKO mashado nipapakealaman sa trabaho, kasi mas may alam naman ako sa functionality ng Product na nisusupport ko. Just to clear things, Magaling sya at respetado ko sya kung pano sya magtrabaho/mag-isip isip. Pero mas alam ko lang talaga to specific module/field na to na tipong yung brain ko may shorthand na sa mga resolution ng issue, kaya normal ko syang di nakaka-usap. Lam ko rin naman na busy sya noh. So yun, normal naman na hindi sya nakiki-alam sa mga pinag-gagawa ko, pero pag nataon na nakabasa sya ng email, mega react ang gaga.

1. Status Call - Nakita ni Atheng na may konting delay sa isang workunit. Pero confident ako naman ako na kaya madeliver yun,pero wala akong facts like the actual committed dates. So dahil dun nag-emoterang elephant sa hysteria ang drama nya. Di ko rin kasi mapatunayan na kaya naman matapos, kasi di ko talaga alam yung saktong dates - kasalanan ko rin to. Pero niexplain ko naman na hindi sya hard deadline. Nilagay lang yung hard date na yun, para may reference ng kung kelan dapat mejo tapos na ang testing. Ayun, dahil no hard facts, di ko maemphasize/madikdik sa kanya na dapat kiber kiber lang yun at di nididibdib. Ayun, bakit daw ako di nag escalate na ganito na pala yung status. So sige olats naman talaga ako dun. If in doubt, or something does not look right, dapat make submong. (Nyeta, ayoko nga syang kinakausap ng madalas eh. ahahah, kaya madalas assumptionista nalang ako at nagdedecide for myself.)

That night, nimeeting nya yung Manila counterpart ko to na-verify yung nisabi ko. So ayun, chemerloo. Nag-apologize naman sya, na mashado sya harsh on me. Well, dahil hindi ko naman dinibdib yung pagsusungit nya sakin, di ko nafeel na harsh sya. Mas harsh ako sa sarili ko kung kinakailangan at hindi ito yung isa sa mga moments na yun. Kaya, wala lang talaga.

Pero nung sinabi nya na pinaabot ng client na magaling daw ako at na-appreciate nila ang trabaho ko *at rockstar naman daw ang status ko sa kanila*, napaiyak na talaga ako kasi dun ko nafeel na ko di talaga ako mashado appreciated ng boss ko, despite the buwis buhay na working style ko. (Basta maywork na important na matapos sa business, ke walang tulog (pero may kain naman) working-inamells parin ang beauty ko.) Naawa lang ako ng slight sa sarili ko . isniff** OO! Ako na! Ako na ang kawawang bida ng teleseryeng nagseself pity! At sya na ang kotrabida sa buhay ko. Pucha naman o. Wahahah. At least yan, di drama lang, tunay syang pangyayari.


2. IE Security settings. - Normal sakin ang magdeliver ng MAS, kaysa sa kaya ko. Ganung pilosopiya ang nituro sakin ni Congo, Manager ko sa Manila. Always go the extra the mile. So may naglog ng ticket, may issue daw ang isang external user in accessing the system and doing this and that. Kung normal self ko yun, ang reaksyon ko ay: Chever, computer nya may problema at hindi sya sakop ng support namin. Dun sya sa mga hampas lupang IT support nila. Pero hindi ako ganun, niexplain ko sa user na kasi, mas mabuting isangguni nya yung sa internal IT team nila dahil mas alam nila... Pero alam mo naman, dahil sa experience, e alam ko na talaga ang problema nya, at nahabag ako sa issue nyang maning-mani. So nag-include ako ng suggested steps to update her IE explorer Secuirty Settings with matching screenies, na pampadali ng buhay. Ayun. Napansin na naman.
Sabi ni Atheng: This is not within our standard support coverage. We are not allowed to send this eclavu.
Putek naman, nagkawang-gawa ka na nga eh. So ayun, Ako naman nagsorry. Sabi ko I will not do it again (with her copied in the email.) Amputa na yan. Nafrustrate talaga ako dun. Napaisip ako. Di yata bagay sakin ang outsourced work, kasi may limitasyon. Hanggang something lang ang dapat mong ibigay. Well, alam ko naman na kaya nandun yung boundaries yun, ay to protect both parties from abuse. Pero alam mo yun, konting pakipagkapwa tao lang. Kung may maitutlong ka gawin mo, lalo na kung 3 minutes of email and screenshot lang naman ang katapat. Nisave mo pa yung tao sa time na macoconsume sa paghanp ng Internal IT nila. Well, hindi ganun ang ikot ng mundo rito. Kaya olats na naman ako sa debate.

3. Audit requests - Dahil isang Financials Systema ng inaalagaan ko, normal ang mga kabaklaang audit ng kung sino-sinong thrid party para maverify ang truthfulness ng mga bagay bagay at walang kadugasan sa pera ang nangyayari sa system namin. So may tanong, kesyo may access ba tong apat na mokong na to sa page at kung may kemerloo silang pinaguupdate na data.

So sabi ko:
Madam Auditress,
The tatlong itlog plus 1 na fwends na nitatanong mo. Waley po silang powers i-access ang mga site na nabanggit. Pero kung type, mo isesend ko sayu ang kung sino ang tunay na makapangyarihan at nakakaupdate ng mga kaperahan galore jan.

O diba, pa-star sa proactiveness ang lola mo. Tapos syempre wala paring trabaho yata si Atheng, so nabasa na naman ang emailness at nagreply to me.

Aiglass,
Rememeber, for Audit requests we only provide what we are asked. No more, no less.

Sagot ako:Noted. Sabay hinga ng malalim at nagpost sa twitter account ng: Lord, what's so wrong with being very helpful?

Parang laging may comment. Ayun. Kung di nangyari yung first 2 instances, hindi hahyper ang feelings of... hindi naman inis, pero feeling na "OA na ang mga puna mo sakin ngayon araw nato ha". Lahat na lang. And dating, para akong amateur na hindi ko alam ang ginagawa ko. Shet ha, Team Lead ako, mejo nakakaka-sad na parang shushunga shunga pa ako sa work. Well, mejo hindi ko naman talaga naiisip ang mga ganung bagay, kasi di yun ang likas ko. Mega OA support lang talaga ang goal ko sa buhay as indicated in my title. Basta makatulong solb na ko. Kaya minsan, nakakabanas talaga. Tanong ko talaga yan: Pwede bang tumulong na lang ng walang boundaries? Wag mag-abalang nang sagutin dahil rethorical question yan.

Sabi ng matatalinong sites sa net, mas madalas na ang immediate Supervisors or Boss ang magiging dahilan mo para magresign or magstay ang mga employees sa isang kompanya. Hindi compensation, hindi RnR, hindi oppurtunities. Pwes, naniniwala ako sa kanila. Kung buraot ang lagi mo kausap na nagmamando sayu at wala nang ibang nakita kundi yung mali sayu, parang ayaw mo nalang pumasok sa opis diba. Mejo nakakapagod din makipag debate sa mga hifalutin hippopotamus na boss. Lalo na, alam mo na lagi naman silang mananalo. At point taken lang lagi ang award mo sa mga ihihirit mo.

Minsan nakakapagod na talaga makipag usap sa kanya kaya naglolog off na lang ako ng IM. Pero being the good natured person that I am hindi ko itetake against sa kanya ang always raging DNAs nya laban sa DNAs ko. Hindi lang kami match. Hindi lang talaga kami meant to be na maging friends. Saka professional na lang. Saka mas matanda sya sakin at mas alam nya ang mga bagay bagay sa career namin, (not necessarily life in general), kaya I'll try to make the most of it. Na matuto ako sa mga opinion at thought process nya. At saka, I know I can still turn this around. Oppurtunity ito na mapatunayan ko sa kanya na I can do better. Hindi tayo susuko syempre. I still need to gather the motivation to earn her trust and be credible in her standards. Malay mo, yan ang magpromote sakin to Super Team Lead.
Hahaha.

You know what, blogging really helps you organize your thoughts. Dun mo narerealize kung anong reaction or opinion mo sa mga bagay bagay. You are able to recollect what just materialized and process what you feel about it. Para mo syang nakikita from an impersonal view, kasi you are trying to make kwento the facts in the most clear/concise/understandable way. Dun mo na-aanalyze ano ba talaga ang mga angles ng iyong problema, how you feel about it and how you want to react to it. And thus, make a decision on what to do next. Parang you are being your own friend and advisor.

There, di ko na alam kung pano to ieend. So ganito na lang. Basta yun na.

HIATUS ENDED

Ok! After 3 years blogging hiatus, I am back. Super Back! As in. As tatdyakan ko mukha mo pag di ka pa maniwala na I'm back. hahaha.. napaka-bayolenteng pagbabalik. As if naman, maraming nagbabasa ng blogs ko. I know wala. pero dati meron. nung may life pa ko... marami sila. Mga kikay kong friends, college friends. Well, ngayon, back to zero. Pero its chokey... ganern talaga. Well, at least mala-diary na naman ang atake ko sa blog na to. Walang pressure, walang audience na iniintindi, sulat lang ng sulat, anything under the sun. walang reservations, walang censorship, walang boundaries.

Shet, this all comes so naturally to me. I feel really back. I feel rejuvenated just having to be able to type my nonsense ramblings and not another textbook style prose on a resolved technical issue. My goodness, I've never felt exhilirated in a long time, it so liberating and its making me cry. Sobra as in, emotional na me now. hahaha. *teka nakakagutom maexcite, kain ng kanin*

I never realized I have missed writing for so long. Sabi nga nila, pag dumadaan ka sa pagsubok or kalungkutang matindi, palagi mong naalala ang first love mo. Sa case ko writing. Investigative, Comedic, Featurettes, malaswa, madrama, pampasaya, non technical, yes kahit ano na walang kinalaman sa trabaho, grabe indi ko sya nagawa at namiss ko sya ng todo. Para akong nasa kanlungan ng unang friend ko. Kasi ito talaga ang kinahatnan kong gingawa nung bata pa ako. Ako! na editor in chief ng high school at college paper, nakatiis?! na hindi nagsususlat at nagkkwento! Anong klase akong tao! Isa lang ang masasabi ko, sa lahat ng bagay na iniwan ko, wala akong binalikan, pagsusulat lang. Reyna kaya ako ng move on (pero this is another blog entry).

Sa sobrang namiss ko sya, di ko na nga pinapansin ang basic rules ko. Punctuation, coherence, kemerlu. Keber, basta sinasabi ko ang gusto ko ng walang pakelam sa mundo.

HIATUS ENDED KZE

E ate, bat mo ba naisipan na magbalik? Baket? bawal? hahahah. Kasi ganire, 3 months na ko dito sa US. At nakatira sa isang bahay na di ko naman kaclose ang mga nakatira. As in, sobrang buraot ako sa kanila, kasi feelingerong panget yung isa, yung isa spoiled brat na di ko feel ang mga type sa mundo, yung isa naman, kateam ko sa work na walang kwenta, kasi di naman alam ang trabaho nya. So imaginin nyo na lang ang frustration ko sa buhay ko. Kapag bwiset ko sa isa sa kanila, mashshare ko ba yun sa isa rin sa kanila? So ikwento ko na lang sa ghost friends ko diba.

Sa totoo lang, medyo di kami masaya. para kaming stuck sa isa't isa at wala kaming magagawa. K lang naman. Baka ako lang rin nakakafeel. Ako mismo humihiwalay kasi feeling ko talaga iba-iba kami ng trip. Magbabasagan lang kami ng trip sa buhay, kaya wag nang ipilit ang di naman pwede. Dadanak lang ang blood. E ayoko naman ng blooodshed diba. Mas gusto magfocus sa mga ikasasaya ng buhay ko. Sila rin naman, so wala na lang pansinan.

Nung una bearable pa, nagshshare pa kami ng food, grocery, expenses. Pero dahil likas akong tamad, at ayoko ng natotoka magluto, e nag-agree kaming magkanya kanya na ng kayod sa kakainin. Sila rin naman nabbwiset sa palagi na lang pag effort magluto, e minabuti na lang namin na magkanya kanyang luto na. Well, wala naman prob sakin magluto talaga, effort lang rin, may gabi-gabi akong status calls with Manila group. Nakakapagod. Sa Pilipinas nga, di ako pinapagluto ng nanay ko, dito pa. Nakakstress din kasi choosy mga tao dito, napupulaan pa ang luto ko na masebo, or maalat. E nagddyeta si feelingerong frog. Ayaw daw nya. Tangina nya. Mag-e-effort ka na nga, nalait ka pa, nakakataba ng puso ha... Grabe talaga ang highblood ko nung di nya pinatos yung luto ko, samantalang ginagawa ko yun kahit na nagmumulti-task ako sa meeting. Tangina talaga. Kala mo kung sinong gwapong lalaki, paminta ka naman. Lechwe. Payat mo nga, laki naman ng ulo mo. Mukha kang may hydrocephalus. (fine, di ko alam ang spelling, ako na tanga!) Pero di ka normal teh. Sorry na mapanglait, pero ang tindi mo kasi magfeeling. Yung mga tunay ngang gwapong, ni sa hinagap (wow lalim) di nila naisip yung mga narcissistic thoughts mo. Wala ka pa sa kalinkingan ni Empoy. Mas cute pa yun kesa sayu. Ayun, napakanarcissistic mo. Ngayon ko lang napagtanto. Salamat sa pagaanalisang ginawa ko dahil sa blog na to.

Ayun, si narcissistic frog ang primerong kontrabida ng buhay ko at naeexcite na kong uuwi sya ng Pilipinas sa January. Saka ko na iffea-feature si Assumptionistang arteh 2009 na roomate ko at Slowness Pentium S na teammate ko. Well, di naman nila fault. Ako rin naman, di nila mashado feel. Tamad lang talaga ako. Ayoko na alng mageffort na makijive or maki-sama. Kasi effort talaga sobra. Kami-kami lang dito, pero ayoko talaga. Alam ko na di ko sila makakasama sa mga next chapter ng life ko, kaya ayoko na mageffort. Ang conceited ko ba? Sige kayo na! kayo na sa posisyon ko. Manirahan kayo sa bahay na hindi nyo feel ang kasama.

Ang haba ng explanation ko kung bat ako nagblog ulit. Di ko lang feel na makausap ang mga tao na kasama ko dito. Sorry na. Kasi ang hirap nung hindi mo masabi yung nasa thoughts mo. Tas pag sinabi mo, aawayin ka. Ayoko ng maraming drama at iniisip sa buhay. Bwiset na bwiset na nga ko sa kanila, magdadagdag pa ko ng oras na isipin sila. Well, yung mga kwento ko dito ay self-serving talaga. Para malabas ko ang matagal ko nang itinatagong saloobin. Hehe. Di naman nila mababasa to. Asaness.

Kaya ayun. I feel I can only be myself dito sa blog na to. And ang dami ko nasabi ha. In less than 2 hours. Nice. Nakahinga ako ng maluwag luwag. I love it. Actually yun ang main na reason, pero idadagdag ko na lang frustration ko sa trabaho at sa Manager kong napaka-sungit na lagi na lang akong sinasabon. Pero another blogpost na yun.

Ayun, welcome back sa kin at thank you!